IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

some people dislike changes in their society and in their own lives, and want things to stay the same. Why do some people want things to stay the same? Why should change be regarded as something positive?

#people #dislike #changes #society #lives #change
Some group keep their existence to live in the same way without any
changes
 to their heritage and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others tend to develop and open up their mind
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 revolution. In
this
 essay, I will discuss and propose ideas and suggestions for both sides.
Firstly
, some
people
 enjoy their comfort in living their same
circumstance
Fix the agreement mistake
circumstances
show examples
.
This
 group keep their live circle
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
be same. Living
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the old path can protect the legacy that has been
follow
Change the verb form
following
followed
show examples
 for many generations. Especially prevents strangers from ruining the community's lives.
Such
 as
Badui
Correct article usage
the Badui
show examples
 Dalam tribe,
they don’t
Wrong verb form
doesn’t
show examples
 want to expose their community to
external
Add an article
the external
show examples
 world to keep their purity.
Furthermore
, modernization and the cost
living
Change preposition
of living
show examples
 force some
people
live
Fix the infinitive
to live
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 challenging society and want to face
changes
 on their path.
This
 group event living abroad far away from their origin to find
new
Add an article
a new
show examples
 better life and
further
 opportunity. The increase of civilization and housing needs
also
 some
factor
Fix the agreement mistake
factors
show examples
 for some community to leave their own society. Some traditional professions
also
 have been
wipe
Change the verb form
wiping
wiped
show examples
 out
due to
digital
Correct article usage
the digital
show examples
 era and
changes
 in
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
human needs. Some productive manpower leaves their village just to get a better livelihood. In conclusion, willing
changes
 are
positive
Add an article
a positive
the positive
show examples
 approach to gain
people
's needs to move forward.
Changes
also
 can give opportunities to increase the standard of life. Living in the same way can lead
people
 to be selfish and isolated from the wider society.
Submitted by dedisigal on

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task achievement
Good attempt at addressing the topic and providing a balanced view of both sides.
task achievement
The essay shows an understanding of both perspectives regarding change and tradition.
coherence cohesion
The introduction sets up the essay's topic well, and there is an attempt to conclude the discussion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Status quo
  • Skepticism
  • Inevitable
  • Progression
  • Innovation
  • Cultural identity
  • Familiarity
  • Aversion
  • Adaptability
  • Comfort zone
  • Economic stability
  • Global awareness
  • Personal growth
What to do next:
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