In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweight the disadvantages?

#countries #people #population #governments #society #outweight

Some

people

believe that

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

having

elderly

Correct article usage

an elderly

show examples

population is

burden

Add an article

a burden

show examples

for

government

Add an article

the government

show examples

other

Correct word choice

while other

show examples

people

believe that it is important to society.

While

it is true that

ageing

Correct article usage

the ageing

show examples

population might

creates

Change the verb form

create

show examples

several

problems

, I believe that

advantages

Correct article usage

the advantages

show examples

of having elderly

people

outweight

Correct your spelling

outweigh

the disadvantages. There might be several disadvantages for both society and governments.

Firstly

, young

people

work for elderly

person's

Fix the agreement mistake

people's

show examples

medical treatment and

this

cause

Change the verb form

causes

show examples

some taxation

problems

. Governments have to invest money and build social

infrasturactre

Correct your spelling

infrastructure

for elderly

people

who

does

Verb problem

are

show examples

not able to take care

themselves

Change preposition

of themselves

show examples

Secondly

, If you walk into a hospital in my country, you are likely to see a lot more elderly

people

than you did in past. In fact,

this

causing significant

problems

as there is a shortage of beds. On top of

this

, one of the biggest

problems

these days is dementia. Even if old

people

still fit, they may not be able to look after themselves. They may have to live with their children or be cared for

Change preposition

show examples

home, which can be expensive.

However

, not all old

people

become ill. Those who remain

healty

Correct your spelling

healthy

can enjoy a happy old age as long as they have saved enough money.

People

are much active in their sixties

ans

Correct your spelling

and

seventies than they used to be and

this

can only be a good thing. They have time to enjoy their retirement and do a range of activities that they could not do when they

were work

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were working

show examples

Thus

, they provide

tourisim

Correct your spelling

tourism

income for governments. They can

also

help look after their grandchildren, which is a great benefit for working parents.

In addition

, we utilize their wisdom and life

experince

Correct your spelling

experience

To sum up

, I believe that a longer life

expextancy

Correct your spelling

expectancy

abviously

Correct your spelling

obviously

advantageous, but no one wants to live too if they only cause

problems

for their family and society.

Submitted by berivan_yilmazz on Sun Aug 25 2024

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coherence cohesion

Work on improving the logical flow between paragraphs and ideas. This will make your argument more coherent and easier to follow.

general

Pay attention to grammatical accuracy and spelling to enhance clarity. This is particularly important for IELTS essays, where language accuracy is assessed.

task achievement

Try to use more specific examples to strengthen your points. While some examples were provided, they were rather general and could be more detailed.

coherence cohesion

The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively outlining the main argument from the start and summarizing it at the end.

task achievement

The essay clearly addresses the task by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of an ageing population, which shows a well-rounded understanding of the topic.

clear comprehensive ideas

There are some good ideas presented, particularly in the second half of the essay, about the positive impacts of an ageing population, such as contributing to tourism and providing wisdom and experience.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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9Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
22Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

302 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

ageing population
financial strain
pension costs
healthcare costs
shrinking workforce
economic productivity
volunteer work
family bonds
economic growth
life experiences

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