In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweight the disadvantages?
Some
people
believe that,
having Remove the comma
apply
elderly
population is Correct article usage
an elderly
burden
for Add an article
a burden
government
, Add an article
the government
other
Correct word choice
while other
people
believe that it is important to society. While
it is true that ageing
population might Correct article usage
the ageing
creates
several Change the verb form
create
problems
, I believe that advantages
of having elderly Correct article usage
the advantages
people
outweight
the disadvantages.
There might be several disadvantages for both society and governments. Correct your spelling
outweigh
Firstly
, young people
work for elderly person's
medical treatment and Fix the agreement mistake
people's
this
cause
some taxation Change the verb form
causes
problems
. Governments have to invest money and build social infrasturactre
for elderly Correct your spelling
infrastructure
people
who does
not able to take care Verb problem
are
themselves
. Change preposition
of themselves
Secondly
, If you walk into a hospital in my country, you are likely to see a lot more elderly people
than you did in past. In fact, this
causing significant problems
as there is a shortage of beds. On top of this
, one of the biggest problems
these days is dementia. Even if old people
still fit, they may not be able to look after themselves. They may have to live with their children or be cared for in
home, which can be expensive.
Change preposition
at
However
, not all old people
become ill. Those who remain healty
can enjoy a happy old age as long as they have saved enough money. Correct your spelling
healthy
People
are much active in their sixties ans
seventies than they used to be and Correct your spelling
and
this
can only be a good thing. They have time to enjoy their retirement and do a range of activities that they could not do when they were work
. Change the verb form
were working
Thus
, they provide tourisim
income for governments. They can Correct your spelling
tourism
also
help look after their grandchildren, which is a great benefit for working parents. In addition
, we utilize their wisdom and life experince
.
Correct your spelling
experience
To sum up
, I believe that a longer life expextancy
is Correct your spelling
expectancy
abviously
advantageous, but no one wants to live too if they only cause Correct your spelling
obviously
problems
for their family and society.Submitted by berivan_yilmazz on
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coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow between paragraphs and ideas. This will make your argument more coherent and easier to follow.
general
Pay attention to grammatical accuracy and spelling to enhance clarity. This is particularly important for IELTS essays, where language accuracy is assessed.
task achievement
Try to use more specific examples to strengthen your points. While some examples were provided, they were rather general and could be more detailed.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively outlining the main argument from the start and summarizing it at the end.
task achievement
The essay clearly addresses the task by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of an ageing population, which shows a well-rounded understanding of the topic.
clear comprehensive ideas
There are some good ideas presented, particularly in the second half of the essay, about the positive impacts of an ageing population, such as contributing to tourism and providing wisdom and experience.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example