IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, the fact is that there a growing pressure on young residents to have great academic achievements.
Therefore
Linking Words
, some people suppose that some extra
subjects
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as physical classes and cookery, should be eliminated from the student timetable.
As a result
Linking Words
, learners can pay attention to academic studies. In my opinion, I am partly convinced by
this
Linking Words
 statement. On the one hand, removing some distracted classes can be a great chance to advance scholars' academic work. Because of the development of the world and economic market, so there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 more
competitive
Replace the word
competition
show examples
 in seeking jobs.
Besides
Linking Words
, companies tend to hire skilled employees.
Therefore
Linking Words
, educational institutions should organize some useful schemes to improve
skills
Use synonyms
 like analytical
skills
Use synonyms
 and logical thinking.
For example
Linking Words
,
instead
Linking Words
 of learning physical education or cookery, the local authorities can cooperate with educators to hold English events or fairs to encourage students to develop their English and communication
skills
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are some issues that need to pay attention to.
First,
Linking Words
students are regularly under pressure from work and studies.
Hence
Linking Words
, having extra classes like music or cookery can help them relax after stressful hours.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, just studying dry
subjects
Use synonyms
 can be counterproductive. Children can feel bored, and
this
Linking Words
 can lead to dropout or reduced learning performance.
Besides
Linking Words
, there are lots of social
skills
Use synonyms
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 serve their lives.
For instance
Linking Words
, college learners usually live alone, so they have to know how to take care of themselves. In conclusion, I just agree that schools or universities should limit non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of removing them.
Additionally
Linking Words
, children
also
Linking Words
 have enough awareness to balance both types of
subjects
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Although your essay presents a clear reaction to the task, it can benefit from developed ideas and examples. For instance, when discussing how removing non-academic subjects can boost academic performance, provide specific examples of how particular academic skills would be improved.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are logical and well-organized overall, but ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. For example, more cohesive devices and transitions could be helpful in connecting your paragraphs seamlessly for better coherence.
coherence cohesion
Try to avoid some repetitive vocabulary and instead use varied expressions. Additionally, improving your sentence structures with more complex and varied sentences can elevate your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your argument well.
task achievement
The points you mentioned about the pressure on students and the importance of balancing academic and non-academic subjects are well-taken and relevant.
coherence cohesion
The essay is generally well-organized, and each body paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
What to do next:
Look at other essays: