IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that music is a universal language that can bring people together, while others think that it is a form of entertainment that has little real value in society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #music #language #form #entertainment #value #society
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Music
 is the most abstract form of art and it can
expresses
Change the verb form
express
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 various emotions. Some have an opinion
which
Correct word choice
that
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music
 is global, and it is able to gather
people
 from all over the world together;
however
, others believe that it is just a hobby which
people
 enjoy. I agree with the first group and both views will be argued in the following paragraphs. As
it is
Verb problem
apply
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mentioned above, some claim that
music
 is not
much
Rephrase
very
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 valuable and
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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is considered
as
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apply
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an amusement for routine
lives
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life
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.
For instance
, songs which are played
in
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at
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 parties and clubs in a loud volume encourage
people
 to dance and sing.
On the other hand
, some start their day
by
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with
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 melodies which motivate them to go to work with positive energy which helps them to do their job more
functional
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functionally
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.
In addition
, many
people
 attend
to
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apply
show examples
concerts which are performed by talented singers just because they are
fan
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fans
show examples
 of performers or they want to have fun and spend their time in an amusing atmosphere. Others and I,
in contrast
, opine that
music
 is a worthy heritage from humans in the past.
Music
 can unite
people
 with diverse cultures and ages with different attitudes.
for example
, When an orchestra is being conducted, there are a number of musicians who are playing various instruments
such
 as cellos, violins, saxophones and trumpets; they are all composing a piece of art together in their specific way. The point is that these artists may speak in different languages but they communicate with each other with the language of
music
 and its notes.
Additionally
,
people
 enjoy listening to instrumental
music
 all over the world because these kinds of melodies
bears
Verb problem
have
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 positive impacts on humans’
mind
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minds
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 and
heart
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hearts
show examples
. In brief, there are two points of
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
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: from one perspective,
music
 is just
an
Remove the article
apply
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entertainment; from another, it is a valuable kind of art which can gather
people
 together. I agree with the second viewpoint and In my opinion,
music
 is a functional way
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
communication
Replace the word
communicate
show examples
 in the world.
Submitted by shaghayegh95shadman on

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task achievement
To improve the overall score, consider refining your examples to be more specific and relevant to the arguments presented. This will help in making your points more persuasive and clear.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical flow between different sections of the essay. Using connecting phrases or words can help with making transitions smoother and more natural.
task achievement
The essay provides a comprehensive response to the task, addressing both viewpoints and clearly stating the writer's own opinion.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present and well-structured, helping to frame the essay effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Universal language
  • Cultural barriers
  • Linguistic barriers
  • Emotional bonds
  • Shared experiences
  • Cultural heritage
  • Cultural exchange
  • Therapeutic benefits
  • Psychological impact
  • Mental health
  • Economic value
  • Revenue
  • Employment
  • Economic growth
  • Mass consumption
  • Personal enjoyment
  • Social engagement
  • Leisure
  • Pleasure
What to do next:
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