IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Write about the following topic: Many people think that mobile phones should be banned in public places such as libraries, shops and public transport. Do you agree or disagree?

#topic #people #phones #places #libraries #shops #transport
Over recent decades, technology has been developing rapidly and smartphones are one of them. Unfortunately, some individuals do not consider when they are using it. I strongly agree with banning cell phones in public places. I will explain the reasons in
this
 essay.
It is clear that
 in the technological world of today, everything is advancing and we should learn how to
use
Correct pronoun usage
use it
show examples
.
For example
, after a busy day at work, you are interested in going home with a relaxed feeling in your mind and you have to use public transportation
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
you face people who are speaking
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their phones loudly or the ring of their phone is another trouble. In fact, they create noise pollution in the public place. You will only be able to tolerate
this
 situation till dropping up.
In addition
, the phones sometimes are given to children by parents to play games in places like stores, hospitals, and parks.
For instance
, you go shopping and need to focus on something that you would like to purchase and a child is
setting
Correct your spelling
sitting
show examples
 and playing with the highest voice.
However
,
this
 subject happens everywhere. If we do not regard
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the culture of consumerism, we will lose our patients in the near future. In conclusion,
although
 everybody benefits from the
progressing
Replace the word
progress
show examples
 of technology, we should consider some features like
observed
Wrong verb form
observing
show examples
 and
respect
Wrong verb form
respecting
show examples
 the rights of others.
Submitted by s_karimi2002 on

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task achievement
The essay does not fully address all parts of the prompt. It touches on the issue of noise pollution and distractions caused by mobile phones but does not explore other potential reasons for banning mobile phones in public places, such as privacy concerns or security issues.
coherence cohesion
While the essay has a clear structure with an introduction and conclusion, some ideas are not fully developed or clearly linked. For instance, introducing more varied examples would strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Try to use a wider range of vocabulary and more complex sentence structures to improve the clarity and sophistication of the essay.
task achievement
The introduction clearly states the writer's position on the topic, making it easy for the reader to understand the main argument.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates the writer's opinion, providing a sense of closure.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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