Nowdays in many countries the proportion of older population is higher than that of younger people. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

In the present day, the
rate
of elderly is dramatically increasing throughout the
preroid
Correct your spelling
period
, and it
also
overtook
adult
Correct article usage
the adult
show examples
population. I believe
this
situation is a global issue, which
foster
Change the verb form
fosters
show examples
negative consequences. The first negative of increasing population
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
older citizens would directly
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
in declined workforce
particularly
Add the comma(s)
, particularly
show examples
in labour works, which require physical capacity.
This
could lead to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
vacant
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
manufactories, resulting in
imbalance
Correct article usage
an imbalance
show examples
employee in
work
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
feild
Correct your spelling
field
. In fact, there are several
contries
Correct your spelling
countries
that
manufacturers
Replace the word
manufacture
show examples
products contained as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
main export
goods
Correct the article-noun agreement
good
show examples
,
facing
Correct word choice
and facing
show examples
this
situation
also
be
Verb problem
cause
show examples
a depreciation of
Correct article usage
the economic
show examples
economic
Replace the word
economy
show examples
for the whole
nation
.
Therefore
,
this
not only
affect
Change the verb form
affects
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
imbalance
Correct your spelling
imbalanced
show examples
population
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
but
also
in
nation
's economic scale. Another concern is
tax payers
Correct your spelling
taxpayers
show examples
number
, affecting
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
numerous aspects. The
incraesing
Correct your spelling
increasing
number
of elderly means
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
decreasing
number
of
tax payers
Correct your spelling
taxpayers
show examples
. Older people tend to pay less taxes than
youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
show examples
,
this
is crucial for the
government
Change noun form
government's
show examples
yearly budget.
In addition
,
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
not only
paying
Wrong verb form
pay
show examples
less taxes
rate
, but they are
also
in their retirement stage, which the government should provide their support expense.
This
would expose to
nation
Change noun form
nation's
show examples
finacial
Correct your spelling
financial
instability.
To conclude
, the
rasing
Correct your spelling
rising
show examples
number
of elderly is crucial for
nation's
Correct article usage
the nation's
show examples
economic and financial status, considered as a
negetive
Correct your spelling
negative
consequences
Fix the agreement mistake
consequence
show examples
.
And the
Correct word choice
The
show examples
government in several
nation
Change to a plural noun
nations
show examples
are striving to address
by
Correct pronoun usage
this by
show examples
revising
taxes
Fix the agreement mistake
tax rates
show examples
rate
and announcing new
policy
Fix the agreement mistake
policies
show examples
to increase
fertility
Correct article usage
the fertility
show examples
rate
.
Submitted by warattayafinn on

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task achievement
The essay should have a clear and concise thesis statement that answers the question. Make sure to clearly state whether you believe the higher proportion of older population is positive or negative at the beginning.
task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea that is well-supported with relevant details. For instance, specify examples of countries or industries affected by an aging population to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structure to enhance readability and coherence. Transition words and phrases can help guide the reader through your arguments smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Pay close attention to your introduction and conclusion. A strong introduction sets up your argument, while a good conclusion summarizes your main points effectively.
coherence cohesion
Proofread your essay to correct minor grammatical mistakes and awkward phrasing. This will not only improve the readability but also the overall clarity of your ideas.
task achievement
You provide a clear viewpoint that the increasing proportion of the older population is a negative development, which directly addresses the essay question.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, with an introduction, two main body paragraphs discussing negative consequences, and a conclusion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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