Nowdays in many countries the proportion of older population is higher than that of younger people. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?
In the present day, the
rate
of elderly is dramatically increasing throughout the preroid
, and it Correct your spelling
period
also
overtook adult
population. I believe Correct article usage
the adult
this
situation is a global issue, which foster
negative consequences.
The first negative of increasing population Change the verb form
fosters
in
older citizens would directly Change preposition
of
effect
in declined workforce Correct your spelling
affect
particularly
in labour works, which require physical capacity. Add the comma(s)
, particularly
This
could lead to the
vacant Correct article usage
apply
in
manufactories, resulting in Change preposition
apply
imbalance
employee in Correct article usage
an imbalance
work
Correct your spelling
the
feild
. In fact, there are several Correct your spelling
field
contries
that Correct your spelling
countries
manufacturers
products contained as Replace the word
manufacture
a
main export Correct article usage
apply
goods
, Correct the article-noun agreement
good
facing
Correct word choice
and facing
this
situation also
be
a depreciation of Verb problem
cause
Correct article usage
the economic
economic
for the whole Replace the word
economy
nation
. Therefore
, this
not only affect
Change the verb form
affects
in
the Change preposition
apply
imbalance
populationCorrect your spelling
imbalanced
,
but Remove the comma
apply
also
in nation
's economic scale.
Another concern is tax payers
Correct your spelling
taxpayers
number
, affecting in
numerous aspects. The Change preposition
apply
incraesing
Correct your spelling
increasing
number
of elderly means the
decreasing Correct article usage
a
number
of tax payers
. Older people tend to pay less taxes than Correct your spelling
taxpayers
youngster
, Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
this
is crucial for the government
yearly budget. Change noun form
government's
In addition
, elderly
not only Correct article usage
the elderly
paying
less taxes Wrong verb form
pay
rate
, but they are also
in their retirement stage, which the government should provide their support expense. This
would expose to nation
Change noun form
nation's
finacial
instability.
Correct your spelling
financial
To conclude
, the rasing
Correct your spelling
rising
number
of elderly is crucial for nation's
economic and financial status, considered as a Correct article usage
the nation's
negetive
Correct your spelling
negative
consequences
. Fix the agreement mistake
consequence
And the
government in several Correct word choice
The
nation
are striving to address Change to a plural noun
nations
by
revising Correct pronoun usage
this by
taxes
Fix the agreement mistake
tax rates
rate
and announcing new policy
to increase Fix the agreement mistake
policies
fertility
Correct article usage
the fertility
rate
.Submitted by warattayafinn on
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task achievement
The essay should have a clear and concise thesis statement that answers the question. Make sure to clearly state whether you believe the higher proportion of older population is positive or negative at the beginning.
task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea that is well-supported with relevant details. For instance, specify examples of countries or industries affected by an aging population to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structure to enhance readability and coherence. Transition words and phrases can help guide the reader through your arguments smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Pay close attention to your introduction and conclusion. A strong introduction sets up your argument, while a good conclusion summarizes your main points effectively.
coherence cohesion
Proofread your essay to correct minor grammatical mistakes and awkward phrasing. This will not only improve the readability but also the overall clarity of your ideas.
task achievement
You provide a clear viewpoint that the increasing proportion of the older population is a negative development, which directly addresses the essay question.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, with an introduction, two main body paragraphs discussing negative consequences, and a conclusion.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example