IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people think that happiness relies on the responsibility of individuals; others think that it is affected by other factors. Discuss both views and state your opinion by using examples from your personal experience.

#people #happiness #responsibility #individuals #factors
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Some
people
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 believe mirth depends on your
onus
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,
while
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some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
others believe other
factors
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 affect their gratification.
This
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 essay will discuss
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
both views and give an opinion,
why
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on why
show examples
 peace of mind
depend
Change the verb form
depends
show examples
 on other
factors
Use synonyms
such
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 as
achievement
Correct article usage
the achievement
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 of goal, wealth and
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
desires. To commence with, some
people
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 ponder the joy and rely on your
onus
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 because they think they will be happier if they have less duty.
For instance
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, a man has to take care of children, his wife, and his parents' prosperity so if the family is big the duty will be more so he will be less contented.
Moreover
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, more
onus
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 means more work to do which always gives you stress and in a bad mood.
For example
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, if you have children a person has to leave them
to
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at
show examples
 school and pick them up, care of study and so on.
Furthermore
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, there will be other members
also
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 so more work there will be and more stress.
Hence
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, enjoyment relies on individual obligation.
However
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, some
people
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 believe
it's
Change the verb form
it depends
show examples
depends
Add the preposition
depends on
show examples
 other
factors
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such
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 as wealth, job,
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
goal and
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
desires.
Firstly
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,
people
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 become happy when they have enough money to
fulfill
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fulfil
show examples
 all their requirements.
Apart from
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this
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, they become mirth with the employment, when they got
according to
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 their qualification. To exemplify, a recent study concluded that 80% of
people
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 are happy when they are satisfied with their job and able to
fulfill
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fulfil
show examples
 their necessities.
Besides
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, all
people
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 have their own goal which they want to achieve so when they grab their targets they will become happy.
Therefore
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, other
factors
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 like job, achievement of goals and standard of living assist to give full of joy.
To sum up
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, on the one hand,
people
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 think more responsibility, the more they will become unhappy, so contentment depends on
onus
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,
while
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on the other hand
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, other
people
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 believe
factors
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 play a crucial role in the enjoyment of
people
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. But, in my opinion, rather than
onus
Use synonyms
 prosperity
depend
Correct subject-verb agreement
depends
show examples
 on the
people
Use synonyms
's achievement and their inner
satisfy
Replace the word
satisfaction
show examples
.
Submitted by alviusman18 on

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task achievement
Your essay effectively covers the main points of the argument, but be sure to refine your discussion on each view for better clarity.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smoother transitions between your points to improve the logical flow of your essay.
task achievement
While your points are generally supported, providing more detailed and relevant examples would strengthen your argument.
task achievement
You addressed both perspectives of the topic clearly.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a concise introduction and a clear conclusion that summarizes the main points.
coherence cohesion
The main points are mostly well-supported with relevant examples.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • individual responsibility
  • personal mindset
  • proactive steps
  • self-improvement
  • socio-economic status
  • relationships
  • environmental conditions
  • external factors
  • positive attitude
  • pursuit of happiness
  • facilitate
  • hamper
  • proactive engagement
  • sense of achievement
  • conducive environment
What to do next:
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