IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety. Therefore, some people think that the government should increase spending on defence but spend less on social benefits. To what extent do you agree? Essay Outline

#government #responsibility #citizens #safety #people #defence #outline
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It is of paramount importance to protect populations by the government. Some consider that the regulators should emphasize
to spend
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spending
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extended
Correct article usage
an extended
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 budget on
the
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apply
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national defence rather than spending on
the
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apply
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social welfare. In
this
 essay, I will look into both factors and illustrate my opinion on
this
. It is believed by some that
the
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apply
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national security should be strengthened by the policies and
further
 amount of expenditure should be reflected
on
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in
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 long-term planning and strategies.
This
 is because
,
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apply
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 there is a huge concern that the country may face international fight
due to
 that
although
 we are living in a modern era, there are some countries
such
 as
Leban
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Lebanon
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, Ukranian and Aphganistan that are experiencing serious war during these days.
Thus
,
number
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a number
the number
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 of residents think that the cost of the national protection should be prioritised and reconsidered.
By contrast
, many countries are facing issues
from
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with
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 social welfare
facilites
Correct your spelling
facilities
 and functions as the human growth and
aging
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ageing
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 population.
For instance
, there are many elders who have challenges as
lack
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a lack
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 of family support and financial support
by
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apply
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themselves and these people
definately
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definitely
 have to be supported by their mother country. On top of that supporting society in many ways has
impact
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an impact
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 on
the
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apply
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sustainable economic growth which in return the development of the country will be sustained. In conclusion, I opine that focusing on both the national defence and social welfare should be equally treated as crucial.
Thus
 balancing the budget on both should be maintained for the development of the countries.
Submitted by yumituul on

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task achievement
While the response addresses both sides of the argument, it lacks depth in terms of specific examples and detailed explanations. Consider adding more precise examples and elaboration to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
There are minor grammar and phrasing issues that can disrupt the flow of reading. For instance, correct 'Leban' to 'Lebanon', 'Ukranian' to 'Ukraine', and 'Aphganistan' to 'Afghanistan'. Consider taking time to proofread your essay for such errors.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
The conclusion reiterates the main points and offers a balanced viewpoint, which is crucial for a strong argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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