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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

It has been suggested that primary school children should learn to grow vegetables and keep animals. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#school #children #vegetables #animals
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Learning how to grow
plants
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 or keep
animals
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 in primary schools is
till
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still
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on going
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ongoing
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 in some countries
such
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 as Japan. Some people may think that it is not necessary to teach young students to do so, but some may think that it is still an important
skill providing
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skill-providing
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 learning process. Personally, I think
advantages
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the advantages
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 of doing so outweigh
disadvantages
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the disadvantages
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. The considerable
benifit
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benefit
benefits
 of
leaning
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learning
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 how to take care of something like
plants
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 or
animals
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 is to be responsible.
The responsibility
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Responsibility
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 is a crucial
charactistics
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characteristics
characteristic
preparing
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in preparing
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 them to reach
adulthoods
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adulthood
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 properly.
Moreover
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, the knowledge from learning to grow
plants
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 sometimes can be used in the future, especially when they would like to avoid some vegetables which contain pesticides.
As a result
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, they can consume healthier food and
also
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 save cost of living simultaneously,
due to
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 more expensive organic food On the
contary
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contrary
, a drawback could be seen when youths and their parents are not interested in growing
plants
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 or feeding
animals
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.
For example
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, if parents did not support their children
such
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 as reminding them to feed
animals
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 or water
plants
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, the learning process would not be effectively successful. In conclusion, in my personal view, more advantages could be acknowledged. Encouraging young students to learn how to grow
plant
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plants
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 or keep
animals
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 is still important.
This
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 learning process could
holp
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help
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 improve their lives and create better
porsonality
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personality
 in some ways.
Submitted by hsmkashi on

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task achievement
Refine the introduction for clarity. Consider more clearly stating that you believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages in the concluding sentence of the intro.
task achievement
Ensure each paragraph clearly supports your thesis. The third paragraph could use a specific example to enhance the argument about responsibility.
coherence cohesion
Improve transitions and connections between ideas within paragraphs. This will enhance the logical flow and make the argument more compelling.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion should succinctly tie together all your points. Make sure it reaffirms the thesis without introducing new ideas.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which makes it easier for the reader to follow the writer's argument.
task achievement
The argument about responsibility and the benefits of growing pesticide-free vegetables was particularly strong and well-put.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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