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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Write about the following topic: The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

#topic #percentage #children #society #ten #years #effects #trend
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Over the ten years, western societies have seen close to 20% rise in the number of
children
 who are overweight.
This
 essay will discuss some reasons why
this
 has
occured
Correct your spelling
occurred
 and examine the consequences of
this
 worrying trend. The main cause of
this
 problem is
increased
Correct article usage
the increased
show examples
 consumption of processed
foods
. Many
children
 consume
hight
Correct your spelling
high
show examples
colorie
Correct your spelling
calorie
,
low nutrient
Add a hyphen
low-nutrient
show examples
foods
 like sugary snacks, fast food and sodas. these
foods
 are often cheaper and more readily available. When
children
 consume these
foods
 have negative impacts
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
health . Overweight
children
 are at higher risk for developing conditions
such
 as type 2 diabetes, hypertension,
hight
Correct your spelling
high
show examples
cholestrol
Correct your spelling
cholesterol
, and sleep apnea.
for
Capitalize word
For
show examples
 example, many
children
 now spend a significant amount of time on screens, which reduces their time for physical activity. Sedentary behaviours are
assoiciated
Correct your spelling
associated
 with lower energy expenditure and can contribute to weight
again
Correct your spelling
gain
show examples
. Despite these arguments, there is another factor of socioeconomic. Families with lower income may face barriers to accessing healthy
foods
 and
creational
Correct your spelling
recreational
show examples
 activities. For
instanse
Correct your spelling
instance
, the
long term
Add a hyphen
long-term
show examples
 health effects of obesity can lead to increased healthcare costs for families and the healthcare system.
To sum up
, it is evident that there are several causes of obesity
amoungst
Correct your spelling
among
children
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and a
varity
Correct your spelling
variety
 of negative effects. Society must ensure steps are taken to prevent
this
 problem from
deterioating
Correct your spelling
deteriorating
further
.
Submitted by elbayevazamat on

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grammar
Ensure consistency in spelling and grammar. For example, correct typographical errors like 'hight' to 'high', 'assoiciated' to 'associated', 'instanse' to 'instance', and 'detieroating' to 'deteriorating'.
development
Develop each idea further and provide more specific examples to support your arguments. For example, when discussing sedentary behavior, you could add specific statistics or studies to solidify your point.
sentence structure
Improve on sentence structuring to enhance flow. Some sentences are fragmented and can be combined for better clarity. For example, 'When children consume these foods have negative impacts to health.' could be rewritten to 'When children consume these foods, it negatively impacts their health.'
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a solid structure.
task response
The essay addresses both causes and effects, ensuring a holistic response to the prompt.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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