Today, some young people say that their mobile phones are the most important thing they own. Do you think that the popularity of mobile phones is a good or bad thing?
In recent years, technology
had
taken much more place in our lives. Some decades ago, only a few Wrong verb form
has
people
had mobile phones, and they used their phose
to communicate with their Correct your spelling
phones
beloved
ones. Correct your spelling
loved
In contrast
, lots
of teenagers use their cell-phones
to play Correct your spelling
cell phones
some
games or surf Correct quantifier usage
apply
on
the Change preposition
apply
internet
. I think the increasing of this
technology makes young people
more lonely.
Firstly
, lots
of people
might think that new technologies can make a person's life easier. For example
, you can contact with
your family even if they are miles away, when you have Change preposition
apply
an
Remove the article
apply
internet
access. Also
you can have an opportunity to get the news from worldwide. Add a comma
Also,
Moreover
, there are lots
of applications which can help an individual's self-improvement, such
as mentally or psychologically. Also
, people
can have
share their Unnecessary verb
apply
life
with their friends via Fix the agreement mistake
lives
Add an article
the internet
internet
, and get more social.
Capitalize word
Internet
On the other hand
, some people
think that lots
of applications are harmfull
for Correct your spelling
harmful
young
generation. They are not only far from being real, but Correct article usage
the young
also
they are not aware of
they Change preposition
that
were
going more virtual. They don't spend time with their friend Wrong verb form
are
in
physically, and that makes the young Change preposition
apply
people
lose their capasity
Correct your spelling
capacity
of
empathy. Change preposition
for
Furthermore
, parents have less power to control their children because they can not reach the speed of new technology as the
adolescents Correct article usage
apply
did
. Unfortunately, there are Wrong verb form
do
lots
of harmful apps and sites on the internet
for them to damage themselves.
In conclusion, I think the popularity of mobile phones is not a good think
because it makes adolescents lose their chance to Correct your spelling
thing
get
new friends face to face. Verb problem
make
Also
, I believe that they have a tendency to get themselves in a
danger.Correct article usage
apply
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coherence cohesion
To enhance the logical structure, consider organizing paragraphs more clearly. Each paragraph should support a single main point that is clearly related to your thesis.
task achievement
Make sure to revise the essay for grammatical correctness and clarity. Pay attention to verb tenses and subject-verb agreement.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. Concrete examples can make your arguments more convincing and relatable.
coherence cohesion
Balance the discussion by addressing counterarguments in more detail before concluding with your own perspective.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which help guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
You covered both sides of the issue, which demonstrates an understanding of the complexity of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your points are generally clear and follow a logical flow, making your essay easy to read.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
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