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Writing Samples
Band 5

Today, some young people say that their mobile phones are the most important thing they own. Do you think that the popularity of mobile phones is a good or bad thing?

#people #phones #popularity
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In recent years, technology
had
Wrong verb form
has
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 taken much more place in our lives. Some decades ago, only a few
people
 had mobile phones, and they used their
phose
Correct your spelling
phones
 to communicate with their
beloved
Correct your spelling
loved
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 ones.
In contrast
,
lots
 of teenagers use their
cell-phones
Correct your spelling
cell phones
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 to play
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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games or surf
on
Change preposition
apply
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the
internet
. I think the increasing of
this
 technology makes young
people
 more lonely.
Firstly
,
lots
 of
people
 might think that new technologies can make a person's life easier.
For example
, you can contact
with
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apply
show examples
your family even if they are miles away, when you have
an
Remove the article
apply
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internet
 access.
Also
Add a comma
Also,
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 you can have an opportunity to get the news from worldwide.
Moreover
, there are
lots
 of applications which can help an individual's self-improvement,
such
 as mentally or psychologically.
Also
,
people
 can
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
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share their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 with their friends via
Add an article
the internet
show examples
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
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, and get more social.
On the other hand
, some
people
 think that
lots
 of applications are
harmfull
Correct your spelling
harmful
 for
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation. They are not only far from being real, but
also
 they are not aware
of
Change preposition
that
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 they
were
Wrong verb form
are
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 going more virtual. They don't spend time with their friend
in
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apply
show examples
physically, and that makes the young
people
 lose their
capasity
Correct your spelling
capacity
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 empathy.
Furthermore
, parents have less power to control their children because they can not reach the speed of new technology as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adolescents
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
. Unfortunately, there are
lots
 of harmful apps and sites on the
internet
 for them to damage themselves. In conclusion, I think the popularity of mobile phones is not a good
think
Correct your spelling
thing
show examples
 because it makes adolescents lose their chance to
get
Verb problem
make
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 new friends face to face.
Also
, I believe that they have a tendency to get themselves in
a
Correct article usage
apply
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danger.
Submitted by bloodylady on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance the logical structure, consider organizing paragraphs more clearly. Each paragraph should support a single main point that is clearly related to your thesis.
task achievement
Make sure to revise the essay for grammatical correctness and clarity. Pay attention to verb tenses and subject-verb agreement.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. Concrete examples can make your arguments more convincing and relatable.
coherence cohesion
Balance the discussion by addressing counterarguments in more detail before concluding with your own perspective.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which help guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
You covered both sides of the issue, which demonstrates an understanding of the complexity of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your points are generally clear and follow a logical flow, making your essay easy to read.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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