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Band 4.5

Children from age 7-11 now spend more time watching television and/or playing vedio games than before. What are the effects of this on children, families and society? What are the possible solutions to this problems?

#children #age #time #television #vedio #games #effects #families #society
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These days,
thechnology
Correct your spelling
technology
 has been developing immediately, so we can see a number of
children
 spend their
time
 on
electronical
Correct your spelling
electronic
 gadgets.
This
 essay
discuss
Change the verb form
discusses
show examples
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
the effect of
this
 problem on Societies and how can we solve it.
This
Correct determiner usage
These
show examples
 issues like other things have several
influience
Correct your spelling
influence
influences
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 society,
children
, and
families
 like the communities which have these
children
's population cannot improve and these
families
have
Add a missing verb
do have
show examples
 not perfect free
time
. On the one hand, these
children
 who not only
playing
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
 a lot of video
gams
Correct your spelling
games
show examples
 but
also
watching
Wrong verb form
watch
show examples
 too
much movie
Fix the agreement mistake
many movies
show examples
 will become
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
show examples
 and they are
main
Change the article
the main
show examples
 population who can
hence
 their countries
while
 these people do not have
benefitial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 skills owing to the fact that they spend the whole
time
 on things that do not have merits.
On the other hand
, if
families
 have these
children
, parents can work more
than
Change preposition
apply
show examples
and have a lot of
time
 for
themselve
Correct your spelling
themselves
;
nevertheless
, these
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of
families
are
Verb problem
do
show examples
 not
getting
Verb problem
apply
show examples
travel to other places
due to
 the fact that laptops are
essential
Add an article
an essential
show examples
 factor for their kids.
This
Correct determiner usage
These
show examples
 matters can
be solve
Change the verb form
be solved
show examples
 with
families
 and governments. On the one side, it is important that parents have limited
time
 for using TV and PC for their
chilren
Correct your spelling
children
;
moreover
, when
children
d
Correct your spelling
do
 not follow it, they have to do
works
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
 that they do not like
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. On the other sides, I advise that
athourities
Correct your spelling
authorities
 build
Add an article
a website
show examples
website
Fix the agreement mistake
websites
show examples
 which
recored
Correct your spelling
record
 the
time
 of internet that
children
 use;
furthermore
, if they use more than the
time
 that they set, they won't have
other pastime
Change the wording
another pastime
other pastimes
show examples
 in their institutes.
In addition
,
primery
Correct your spelling
primary
 schools must
providea
Correct your spelling
provide a
provide
 range of entertainments that help
children
 to spend their
time
one
Correct your spelling
on
show examples
usefull
Correct your spelling
useful
things
Change to a singular noun
thing
show examples
.
To conclude
, the
influction
Correct your spelling
inflexion
infliction
 demerits of movies and
vedio
Correct your spelling
video
 games are so much in
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation and when we have to
palns
Correct your spelling
plan
 for change them;
therefor
Correct your spelling
therefore
show examples
, it is
crusial
Correct your spelling
crucial
 that
families
 and
athourities
Correct your spelling
authorities
 have
schedual
Correct your spelling
schedule
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 alter them.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic, but more specific examples and clearer ideas are needed to fully cover the scope of the task. Try to elaborate on each main point with precise and detailed examples. For instance, discuss specific ways technology usage may hinder the development of social skills or physical health.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has a logical structure, the transitions between paragraphs and linking sentences can be improved for better flow. Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and ends with a concluding sentence that relates back to the main topic.
task achievement
You've done well to identify that both families and governments have roles to play in solving the problem. This adds depth to your analysis and shows a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, which helps frame your essay effectively. Both should be expanded and made more specific for higher clarity and impact.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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