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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries around the world, life expectcy is increase. Discuse the advantages and disadvantages of this situation and give your own opinion.

#countries #world #life #expectcy #discuse #situation
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Every day, millions of
people
 around the world have different opinions about
life
 expectancy.
However
, Does it have disadvantages?
while
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 some feel it does not have, I strongly believe it has . There are a number of advantages
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
life
 expectancy. The most significant benefit is that when
people
 live longer, they can be in touch with their loved ones
such
 as families.
For instance
,
people
 work until the age of 50 at their office, and they are busy with different responsibilities, so they have limited time to spend with their family.
As a result
, having
long
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
life
 helps them to enjoy their time
further
. Another positive point is that
life
 expectancy provides a good opportunity for
people
 to be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
productive person in society.
For example
, Maryam Mirzakhani, one of the famous women, who found different solutions for Multi questions in Math died when she was 40.
However
, if she had lived longer, she found many solutions which had a positive effect on Math society.
On the other hand
, there are
also
 disadvantages
about
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the
extence
Correct your spelling
extent
 of
life
.
Firstly
, having a long
life
 can strain
healthcare
Correct article usage
the healthcare
show examples
 system. It means that by living for a long time, some facilities need to allocate some budget like hiring nurses,
workers
Correct word choice
and workers
show examples
.
Secondly
, the most important point why I think is that it has negative effects on the environment. More resources
such
 as water resources are used to supply
people
’s
need
Fix the agreement mistake
needs
show examples
.
As a result
, in the future, they will face serious problems like water shortage.
Submitted by yektashahryari on

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coherence cohesion
Consider restating your opinion more clearly in the introduction and conclusion to provide a cohesive argument.
coherence cohesion
Include a clear conclusion summarizing the main points and restating your opinion. This will help improve the structure of the essay.
task achievement
Make sure to explain each example clearly and relate it back to the main point. This will make your arguments stronger.
task achievement
You have provided relevant specific examples that help illustrate your points, such as the example of Maryam Mirzakhani.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both advantages and disadvantages of increased life expectancy, giving a balanced view of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with separate paragraphs for advantages and disadvantages, which enhances readability.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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