Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too.nDo you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

Obligatory military service is implemented in many nations for men after they finish their studies. Some
people
think that it is good for every country to execute
this
policy, including women as well. I am in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
of
this
idea because it is crucial for both men and women to understand how to protect our country and it benefits them by giving a pause in their
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
.
Firstly
, it is important to learn things about
defensing
Correct your spelling
defending
our country because we are living in a politically unstable world. We will be taught how to be a team player in a squad and cooperate with others by applying military strategies.
Besides
, we can know how to use a gun safely, without hurting ourselves and teammates. Apart from marital knowledge, the knowledge of rescue will be delivered to us as well. I believe that acquiring some basic martial and first-aid knowledge is better than just being
panic
Wrong verb form
panicked
show examples
when the war is coming.
Secondly
, it offers young
people
a period of break time to think and plan for their future. One of the benefits of staying in the military is that
people
do not need to worry about income for living.
Moreover
, regular routine in the military
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
them to adjust their body and mind to a healthier status.
Also
,
this
is an opportunity for them to get different visions by knowing
people
from various cities and
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
show examples
. These allow them
have
Add the particle
to have
show examples
time and give a second thought about plans for
further
education or commencing a career. Some
people
may argue that mandatory military service deprives one’s freedom,
nonetheless
, what could really take away our freedom for good is war. In conclusion, compulsory military service is the best way for young
people
to have a concept of what and how to do if the war really happens.
Furthermore
, a brief stop in life enables us to adjust to the right track.
Submitted by wendy190427 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Consider enriching your essay with more specific and relevant examples to illustrate your points. This will help strengthen your arguments and provide clearer context for the reader.
general
Some minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing are present. Proofreading your essay carefully or having someone else review it can help catch these issues.
coherence
In a couple of places, the wording can be made more concise. Aim to be direct and clear to maintain the reader's engagement.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and a strong conclusion, effectively summarizing your main points.
coherence cohesion
You present coherent arguments and your ideas are logically structured, which helps in maintaining a smooth flow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!