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Band 4.5

‏In some cultures, childrens are often told they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

#‏in #cultures #childrens #children #message
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Working is an It is certainly
essentical
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essential
 things in our lives. It is certainly true that
kids
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 can achieve the best if they
work
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 hard.
However
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, not all the
effect
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effects
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 of
this
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 innovation have been positive,
although
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 there are surely some advantages. There are several drawbacks
of
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to
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 telling
kids
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 to
Work
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 hard.
Expose
Wrong verb form
Exposing
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 children
in
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to
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 difficult
Work
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 Can lead them to
potential
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the potential
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 of disappointment, thereby,
kids
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 can't
empower
Wrong verb form
be empowered
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 to
work
Use synonyms
 hard again.
For example
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, the result of conducted research illustrates that the
raito
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race
 of
kids
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 who do their best,
then
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 face unrealistic
expectation
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expectations
show examples
 are suffered from
anxeity
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anxiety
 and
presure
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pressure
.
As a result
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,
this
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 could affect the belief that they on their health.
Moreover
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, can achieve
any thing
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anything
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while
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 Working hard,
will
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which will
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 make them believe only
Working
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in Working
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 hard, and ignoring other factors that help them to arrive
to
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at
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 the
sucseed
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succeed
such
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 as luck, talent and opportunity. In spite of these
nagitive
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negative
 aspects,
however
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, believing in
power
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the power
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 of hard
work
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 boosts the self
confidera
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confident
confidence
kids
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 encourage to develop and improve themself.
for instance
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, in some private
school
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schools
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, students who
require
Wrong verb form
are required
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 to
work
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 hard more than others,
they
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apply
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perform better than
ther
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their
classroom mate
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classmates
show examples
.
Thus
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, they can innovate and create wisely.
Furthermore
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, if children used to
work
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 hard, they will
protiably
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probably
 be
independent
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an independent
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person
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people
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. They may face any issue and solve it by themself like
while
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traveling
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travelling
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, cleaning •So, they Cooking. their problems. have the responsibility to carry or In conclusion, working hard for children might have both advantages and disadvantages. parents have a vital role in supporting their
kids
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 to be able to face any issue.
Submitted by 13570581 on

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coherence cohesion
Work on improving sentence structures and grammar to ensure clarity.
task achievement
Try to provide more clear and specific examples to support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized with clear paragraphs for advantages and disadvantages.
task achievement
The writer attempted to balance both sides of the argument, which is good for task achievement.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

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