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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

‏in some cultures, childrens are often told they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

#‏in #cultures #childrens #children #message
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Working is an It is an essential thing in our lives. It is certainly true that
kids
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 can achieve the best if they
work
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 hard.
However
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, not all the effects of
this
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 innovation have been positive,
although
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 there are surely some advantages. There are several drawbacks to telling
kids
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 to
Work
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 hard. Exposing children
in
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to
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 difficult
Work
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 can lead them to the potential of disappointment, thereby,
kids
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 can't be empowered to
work
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 hard again.
For example
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, the result of conducted research illustrates that the race of
kids
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 who do their best,
then
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 face unrealistic expectations are suffered from anxiety and pressure.
As a result
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,
this
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 could affect the belief that they on their health.
Moreover
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, can achieve anything
while
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 Working hard which will make them believe only
Working
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in Working
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 hard, and ignoring other factors that help them to arrive at the
sucseed
Correct your spelling
succeed
such
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 as luck, talent and opportunity. In spite of these negative aspects,
however
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, believing in the power of hard
work
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 boosts
the
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apply
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self confidence
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self-confidence
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.
Kids
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encourage
Wrong verb form
are encouraged
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 to develop and improve themself.
for instance
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, in some private
school
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schools
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, students who are required to
work
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hard more
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harder
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 than others, students perform better than their classmates.
Thus
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, they can innovate and create wisely.
Furthermore
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, if children used to
work
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 hard, they will probably be
an
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apply
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independent people. They may face any issue and solve it by themself like
while
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 travelling, cleaning •So, they Cooking. their problems. have the responsibility to carry or In conclusion, working hard for children might have both advantages and disadvantages. parents have a vital role in supporting their
kids
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 to be able to face any issue.
Submitted by 13570581 on

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coherence cohesion
Revise the introduction to be clearer and more directly related to the topic. The current introduction is too general and mentions 'innovation,' which doesn't fit well with the rest of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the logical structure of your essay by organizing it into clear paragraphs. Each paragraph should cover one main idea.
task achievement
Ensure each point you make is fully answered and elaborated. Right now, some ideas are mentioned but not fully explored.
task achievement
Use specific and relevant examples to support your arguments more effectively. The examples given are too general and not well-explained.
task achievement
Proofread your essay for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Improving grammar and phrasing will make your ideas clearer.
task achievement
You've correctly identified both advantages and disadvantages of telling children they can achieve anything if they try hard enough.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion appropriately summarizes the main points discussed in the essay.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

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