IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that the teenage years are the happiest times of most people's lives. Others think that adult life brings more happiness, in-spite of greater responsibilities. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #years #times #lives #adult #life #happiness #in-spite #responsibilities
it is often argued, that few
people
 consider that the most joyful age of a person's
life
 is teenage
while
 other
people
 believe that
individuals
 become happier in their adult age regardless of their responsibilities, as far as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 I m concerned
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 strongly agree with the statement that
adulthood
 is the happiest age.In
this
 essay, I will discuss both points of view with supportive examples. on the one hand, most
people
 believe that the most delightful stage of
life
 is the teenage
this
 is because of their sense of autonomy and focus on their personal development so ,
individuals
 feel free to learn new experiences and focus on the development of their personalities . it develops the
sence
Correct your spelling
sense
 of deep thinking.
For example
,
a
Change preposition
in a
show examples
survey conducted in Pakistan mostly , 85% of teenagers are granted driving licenses.
Therefore
 many
individuals
 have the freedom to explore new things in their teenage.
on the other hand
, other
people
 think that
adulthood
 escorts happiness in defiance of obligations.
This
 is because of their career and professional achievements but
also
, have socio-emotional achievement. Most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
,
individuals
 have established their careers in
adulthood
 and have developed a sense of responsibility.
they
Capitalize word
They
show examples
 become
moe
Correct your spelling
more
show examples
 stable .
For instance
,a research conducted in the USA ,75% of
individuals
 have completed their degree in
adulthood
.
Therefore
 many
individuals
 are emotionally stable because of their professional achievements.
To sum up
,
However
 teenage is the most cheerful stage of
life
 because of freedom but I strongly agree that
adulthood
 is the most stable stage of
life
 because of professional achievement.
Submitted by madihaali8470 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction should be clearer and more structured. You made your opinion clear, but it's important to ensure the sentence structure is correct and avoid minor grammatical errors. Instead of writing 'as far as, I m concerned i strongly agree,' you could write 'As far as I am concerned, I strongly agree.'
coherence and cohesion
To enhance the coherence of your essay, make sure each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that states the main point you will be discussing.
coherence and cohesion
Focus on improving the cohesion between sentences. Use linking words and phrases to ensure a smooth flow from one idea to the next. This helps the reader follow your arguments more easily.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples to support both viewpoints, which shows your ability to incorporate real-world information into your essay.
task achievement
Your essay covered both sides of the argument, offering a balanced view before providing your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is structured with clear paragraphs, each devoted to a different viewpoint, which helps in presenting your ideas logically.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: