IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people think painting and drawings are important as other subjects. They should be compulsory in high school education. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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There is no denying the fact that many argue that students' attempts to study art as a formal subject are a waste of time and effort.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that paintings and drawings are as equally important as other educational curricula, there is
also
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 an argument that opposes it. There are arguments on both sides,
however
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, which I will discuss before I present my opinion.
To begin
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 with, it might be said that, Nowadays, Ministries of Education tend to encourage schools to be a comprehensive environment for students by adopting multiple fields of knowledge.
In other words
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,
Instead
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 of focusing on mathematics, sciences, and languages merely, curriculum designers alter their attention to more entertaining and recreational courses including music and art.
Furthermore
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, learners who used to have regular classes on Paintings tend to be more creative and more willing to express themselves better than others who are deprived of those subjects.
Conversely
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, Parents believe that schools should spend their budget and focus on major sciences,
otherwise
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, individuals will jeopardize their future. Another point to consider is that some contend that, the government's funds should not be allocated to teach its citizens unnecessary knowledge.
In other words
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, drawing is seen as a hobby that kids can only practice during their leisure time.
For example
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, schools can arrange painting classes once or twice a week to recharge their students and release their educational load. In conclusion, despite pupils having different views, I believe that high school is a critical period in one's life and the authorities should make sure that everyone is familiar with different fields of knowledge including art in order to prepare them for the college multiple specialities.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure and presents a balanced view, which is great. However, some sentences could be simplified for better comprehension. Also, try to connect your ideas more fluidly with transitional phrases (e.g., "However," "On the other hand," "Moreover") for better coherence.
task achievement
Your task response is generally good. You've addressed the question and provided arguments for both sides. However, try to include more specific examples to strengthen your points, which will make your arguments more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs that discuss both sides of the argument, and a conclusion that presents your opinion. This is very well-organized and makes the essay easy to follow.
task achievement
You have provided a balanced discussion, presenting arguments from both sides of the issue. This demonstrates a good level of critical thinking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • artistic expression
  • communication
  • self-expression
  • creativity
  • critical thinking skills
  • cultural appreciation
  • understanding
  • therapeutic benefits
  • mental well-being
  • career opportunities
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