IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some people believe that children’s leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of time. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience. You should write at least 250 words.

#people #children’s #leisure #activities #waste #time
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Leisure
activities
 are important in human life; since our
brain
 cannot operate 100% under stress conditions. In fact, our
brain
 will grow if we give some
time
 to rest after we learn or put some information in it. Especially, Children will be very sensitive to
this kind
Fix the agreement mistake
these kinds
show examples
 of things;
hence
 their
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
 are growing rapidly
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 these ages. Personally, I am certain youngsters need a break without education;
hence
 education will put burdens on the
brain
. Yet, some people believe that children’s
leisure
activities
 must be educational,
otherwise
 they are a complete waste of
time
.
Firstly
, our
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
 are not machines;
therefore
, resting is
also
 part of our
developments
Fix the agreement mistake
development
show examples
. Actually,
leisure
activities
 without any
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 are the best
time
 for
brain
Add an article
the brain
show examples
 to grow.
Moreover
, children need those things the most. Many people would argue that giving their children a break
time
. They might claim that resting without learning is
waste
Correct article usage
a waste
show examples
 of
time
.
To begin
 with, based on research in 2020
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
show
Correct subject-verb agreement
shows
show examples
 us
80
Correct word choice
that 80
show examples
% of
young
Add an article
the young
show examples
 generation will have
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
 IQ or
intelligent
Replace the word
intelligence
show examples
 than
averages
Fix the agreement mistake
average
show examples
 if they have much rest after learning.
Moreover
, they are calmer to face problems that occur.
On the other hand
, some parents will yell and
angry
Add a missing verb
be angry
show examples
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 their
beloved
Correct your spelling
loved
show examples
one
Fix the agreement mistake
ones
show examples
 if they are slacking off. In conclusion, I believe that children’s
leisure
activities
 must be free from
educational
Replace the word
education
show examples
;
hence
 their brains will grow faster too. Whilst
educations
Fix the agreement mistake
education
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 important, we cannot force it on them
any
Change preposition
at any
show examples
time
. Remember, they are
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 not robots.
Submitted by riani.the2 on

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task achievement
Your essay currently expresses a clear stance on the topic and provides some reasonable arguments. However, the task achievement score could be increased by better developing these arguments and providing more specific examples that substantiate your points.
task achievement
Work on simplifying and clarifying your ideas for better comprehensibility. Some sentences are complex and can be broken down for better readability. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details.
coherence cohesion
The essay can improve its logical structure by ensuring that there is a clear topic sentence for each paragraph and that each paragraph logically follows the one before it. Try to avoid repetition and stay focused on the main point of each paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Conclude each main point effectively before moving to the next. More connective words and phrases can help the flow of your ideas, such as 'Furthermore,' 'In addition,' or 'However,' to show contrast or addition of ideas.
task achievement
Your introduction provides a clear background about the essential nature of leisure activities and expresses your viewpoint clearly.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a consistent viewpoint throughout, arguing against the necessity of educational leisure activities.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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