Today our communications, medicine and transport systems all depend on computer technology. Our reliance on computer technology in these fields has created a dangerous situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
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Computers
have revolutionised the way how the world operates. Critics argue that these changes mean we have too much dependence on computers
which it
may be dangerous. I would argue that any danger can be addressed if we spend money on safety.
There is no doubt that technological Correct pronoun usage
apply
developements
mean that we need Correct your spelling
developments
computers
. Our transport, medicine and communications systems
are all now using computers
and improved a great deal as a result
. The problem is that these systems
can now be only operated by computers
and can therefore
be attack
.
There were rising levels of cyber attacks in recent years. Cyber terrorists may seek to cause problems for a country by attacking its computer Change the verb form
be attacked
systems
. Hackers and computer terrorists also
seek to get information about individuals, companies or governments. Finally
there are an Add a comma
Finally,
ever growing
number of viruses that can stop Add a hyphen
ever-growing
computers
and networks from working well.
Governments and companies need to take these threats importantly
. They can do Rephrase
seriously
this
by spending money on making our systems
secure in order to lessen the risk of cyber attacks. Not only it is important that our systems
are security
, but Replace the word
secure
also
that there is some backup in the event of any equipment malfunctioned.
In conclusion, there is no doubt that we are reliant on computers
and that these computer systems
are open to attack. However
, I would argue that the improvements made to all of these systems
outweigh any dangers and that we need to focus on the security of our technology.Submitted by uroojzulqernain on
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task achievement
To enhance your essay, you should add more specific examples or data to illustrate your points better. For example, mentioning actual cases of cyber attacks or detailing how dependence on computers has improved the transport, medicine, and communications sectors will strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on refining your logical structure. The essay could benefit from smoother transitions between ideas to increase readability and coherence. Consider using linking words to connect your sentences and paragraphs more effectively.
general
There are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrases that need correction for better clarity. Make sure to proofread your work or use tools to check for grammatical issues.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly states your stance on the topic, and your conclusion effectively wraps up your arguments by reaffirming your position. This gives your essay a strong beginning and end, which is crucial for a persuasive piece.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt comprehensively and offers a balanced view on the reliance on computer technology, acknowledging both the benefits and potential dangers.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.