IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with.What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having large numbers of toys.

#parents #children #toys #child #numbers
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Some
parents
Use synonyms
 give their
children
Use synonyms
 a
lof
Correct your spelling
lot
show examples
 of
toys
Use synonyms
, so they can play with
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. It is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
common thing that
children
Use synonyms
 always play with their
toys
Use synonyms
 and it can
distracts
Change the verb form
distract
show examples
 the child from
Add an article
the gadget
a gadget
show examples
gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgets
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. The advantage
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
 buying many
toys
Use synonyms
 for
children
Use synonyms
 is can help
children
Use synonyms
to stimulates
Verb problem
stimulate
show examples
 their
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the disadvantage is having a bad impact
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their social
interactions
Change the noun form
interaction
show examples
 development. First things
first,
Linking Words
toys
Use synonyms
 help
children
Use synonyms
 to
accelarate
Correct your spelling
accelerate
 their brain development. By using the
toys
Use synonyms
,
children
Use synonyms
 can try to solve their
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, I have a cousin around 5 years old, his
parents
Use synonyms
 give him some
legos
Capitalize word
Legos
show examples
 to solve. By playing
lego
Fix the agreement mistake
legos
show examples
, he will try to construct and think hard
how
Change preposition
about how
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 to make the legos
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
stand
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the right position. It indicates that
toys
Use synonyms
 have a significant role
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 development and growth. On the flip
sides
Fix the agreement mistake
side
show examples
, spending much time with
toys
Use synonyms
Linking Words
also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
 not always good. They will tend to choose their
toys
Use synonyms
 over their family and friends.
For instance
Linking Words
, still with the same case, my cousin will
angry
Add a missing verb
be angry
show examples
 if their
parents
Use synonyms
are
Verb problem
do
show examples
 not
buying
Wrong verb form
buy
show examples
 them a new toy.
In other words
Linking Words
, they have been too attached
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
toys
Use synonyms
. Not only that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 they become individualist or do not want to share their
toys
Use synonyms
 with their relatives. Obviously, it is a negative impact that the
parents
Use synonyms
 do not hope. To summarise, buying
toys
Use synonyms
 for
children
Use synonyms
 has two sides, the good and bad. It
can
Rephrase
cannot
show examples
 be denied that
toys
Use synonyms
 are good for
build
Change the verb form
building
show examples
 brain behaviour.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, the
parents
Use synonyms
 must be aware of the negative impacts. I highly suggest to
parents
Use synonyms
 to give
toys
Use synonyms
 in sufficient numbers or not too much. So, the child can separate time to play with them and their friends.
Submitted by wishmeluck  on

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task achievement
Make sure to fully develop your ideas with more examples and details to enhance clarity and comprehensiveness. You could elaborate further on how toys help brain development or provide more specific instances of negative social impacts.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical flow and organization of your essay. Linking words like 'while,' 'however,' and 'therefore' can help improve transitions between ideas. Also, ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion can be stronger. The essay should start with a broader background before narrowing down to the specific topic. Similarly, the conclusion should summarize the main points and provide a closing thought.
task achievement
Avoid minor grammatical and spelling mistakes, such as 'accelerate' instead of 'accelarate' and 'individualistic' instead of 'individualist.' These small errors can detract from the clarity of your ideas.
task achievement
You have effectively addressed both advantages and disadvantages of having a large number of toys, which shows a balanced perspective.
coherence cohesion
The essay stays on topic and follows a clear structure with introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
Good use of a personal example related to your cousin, which adds relevance to your points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • stimulate creativity
  • imagination
  • fine and gross motor skills
  • hand-eye coordination
  • overwhelmed
  • focus
  • value
  • appreciation
  • neglect
  • consumerism
  • materialism
  • meaningful activities
  • interactions
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