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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The pie chart shows the main reasons why agricultural land becomes less productive. The table shows how these causes affected three regions of the world during 1990s. Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

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The pie chart illustrates the global
degradation
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 of agricultural
land
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 worldwide which was driven by three main factors. The table shows the three affected
regions
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 by the causes in the 1990s. When considered together, there is no correlation between the two sets of data. Globally, there are four main causes of unproductive
land
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, including overgrazing at 35%,
deforestation
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 at 30%,
overcultivation
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over-cultivation
over cultivation
 at 28%, and
other factor
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another factor
other factors
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 at 7%.
However
Linking Words
, these four factors do not directly
affected
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affect
show examples
 the
land
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 in the three
regions
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. First,
land
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degradation
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 was caused by different factors in some
regions
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. In Europe,
deforestation
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 was the leading factor responsible for the total
land
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 degraded at 23% with 9.8%
deforestation
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, followed by over-cultivation at 7.7%, and over-grazing had a small contribution at 5.5%. In Oceania, over-grazing was the most significant cause of
land
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degradation
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, affecting by11.3%,
while
Linking Words
deforestation
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 had a minor impact at 1.7%. Over-cultivation did not contribute to
land
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degradation
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 in
this
Linking Words
 region, resulting in a total
degradation
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 of 13%. North America had less unproductive
land
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 with a total of 5%. Over-cultivation had the largest impact at 3.3%,
while
Linking Words
 over-grazing caused 1.5%, and
deforestation
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 was less significant at 0.2% of
degradation
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.
Overall
Linking Words
, over-grazing and
deforestation
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 were the leading causes of
land
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degradation
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 globally, but have varied significantly across different
regions
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.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words degradation, land, regions, deforestation with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "significant" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • agricultural land
  • productivity
  • geographical focus
  • leading causes
  • diminished
  • significant factors
  • impact
  • prevalent
  • statistics
  • trend
  • usage
  • unexpected findings
  • agricultural practices
  • environmental conditions
  • pie chart
  • table
  • regions
  • 1990s
  • summarize
  • report
  • main features
  • comparisons
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