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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the number of men and women in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below shows the number of men and women in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#men #women #education #britain #three #periods #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The bar chart illustrates how much male and female population was undertaking their
further
Linking Words
education
Use synonyms
 as full-time and part-time, during three different time periods: 1970/71, 1980/81, and 1990/91. The number of people
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 depicted in thousands.
Overall
Linking Words
, the majority of both genders preferred part-time
education
Use synonyms
 throughout the time frame. The statistics of
men
Use synonyms
 participating in part-time
education
Use synonyms
 showed a variable trend,
however
Linking Words
on the other hand
Linking Words
, the data depicting
men
Use synonyms
 in full-time programs, and women in both full-time and part-time programmes showed a gradual increase in numbers. In 1970/71, one million
men
Use synonyms
 were enrolled in part-time courses, which was the highest
statistics
Fix the agreement mistake
statistic
show examples
 among
men
Use synonyms
. After a decade, the numbers decreased to about 850,000, followed by a slight rise in the next decade, reaching
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
nearly 900,000 in 1990/91.
In contrast
Linking Words
, only about 100,000 people preferred full-time
education
Use synonyms
 in 1970/71.
However
Linking Words
, there was a gradual rise in the following years with about 150,000
men
Use synonyms
 in 1980/81, and 250,000
men
Use synonyms
 in 1990/91.
To compare
Change the verb form
Compared
show examples
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
, in 1970/71, the number of women enrolled in full-time and part-time programs was around 75,000 and 750,000 respectively, which was much lower than
men
Use synonyms
.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, there was a substantial rise throughout the years, with 800,000 females in part-time and 200,000 females in full-time programmes in 1980/81, and 1.1 million and 250,000 in 1990/91. In conclusion, in the 1970s, more
men
Use synonyms
 pursued
further
Linking Words
education
Use synonyms
,
Linking Words
however
Add the comma(s)
however,
show examples
 the trend changed, and women took over in the 1990s.
Submitted by khushichhillar on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "further, however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words education, men with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "rise" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "gradual" was used 2 times.
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