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Band 5

Some people say that what children watch influences their behaviour. Others believe the amount of time they spend on television influences their be haviour most. Discuss both vie ws and give your opinion.

#people #children #influences #behaviour #amount #time #television #haviour #ws
There are opposite ideas about the negative effects of watching
TV
 on
children
's behaviour. Some people believe that they can much more influenced by the content of
TV
 programs,
while
 others are of the opinion that the amount of
time
 they have been spent is more significant. I completely agree with the former. On the one hand, there are a number of primary reasons why spending too much
time
 in front of a
TV
 screen would be harmful to
children
.
Firstly
, they can easily get addicted to
TV
 shows and lose their interpersonal
communications
Fix the agreement mistake
communication
show examples
.
This
 is because they tend to be alone and spend most of their
time
 with
TV
instead
 of playing with others.
Therefore
, they will suffer from not only psychological disorders
,
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apply
show examples
but
also
 physical problems
due to
 having a sedentary lifestyle, if they do not tackle
with
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apply
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this
 problem
in
Change preposition
at
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younger
Correct article usage
a younger
show examples
 age.
For example
, if a child can not communicate with peers efficiently in school, will not be able to find a decent job in adulthood
due to
 the reason that communication skill is the bedrock of most careers.
However
,
while
 it might be true that wasting too much
time
 as a couch potato can make a long-lasting impact on the behaviour of
children
, I believe that what they watch is more remarkable.
On the other hand
, I am firmly convinced that
children
 can easily influenced by the content of
TV
 programs. The reason is that they own curious brains and they can not differentiate which shows are appropriate for their age bracket,
therefore
 being exposed to adult content would make a lasting impression on them. Action movies are a shining example of
this
 issue,
children
 are more prone to do illegal actions or crimes
,
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apply
show examples
 because they can not recognise the reality and virtual conditions.
This
 is why the quality of programs plays a crucial role in the
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 of
children
. In conclusion, I reaffirm my idea about the importance of what
children
 are allowed to watch in comparison to the amount of
time
 they are glued to the screen. The reason is that their creative and curious mind tend to expand their knowledge about what they have seen even if it is not fit
to
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for
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 them.
Submitted by ielts7683 on

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grammar
There are a few grammar mistakes and awkward sentence structures. For example, 'they can much more influenced by' should be corrected to 'they can be much more influenced by'. Also, 'the amount of time they have been spent' should be corrected to 'the amount of time they spend.'
clarity
Your argument structure is logically sound, but make sure to explicitly define some key ideas. For instance, in the second body paragraph, explain what constitutes 'adult content' and how exactly it impacts children.
structure
You've clearly presented both views, and your opinion is stated unequivocally which strengthens your argument.
examples
Your essay contains relevant and specific examples which help illustrate your points well.
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