IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many people believe that the consumption of fast food is a major contributor to health problems in society. Others argue that it is simply a matter of personal choice and responsibility. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #consumption #food #contributor #health #society #matter #choice #responsibility
In
this
 modern world, fast
foods
 are becoming more and more common in numerous societies.
While
 some have an opinion that eating junk
foods
 is a
principle
Correct your spelling
principal
show examples
 reason for health issues in communities,
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 have an opposing point of view which fast
food
 consumers are only choosing what to eat and the decision is personal. I agree with the first group and both viewpoints will be argued in the following paragraphs. As it is mentioned above, a group of
people
 claim that using fast
food
 and
process
Replace the word
processed
show examples
foods
 is
ones’
Change noun form
one’s
show examples
 own selection and it has no influence on
others
. They believe those who choose these kinds of meals are informed about the consequences that they will face and the challenges like diabetes are accepted, but they never encourage
others
 to follow their diet;
people
 are free to choose their decent meals;
For instance
, an employee who
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 a
full time
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
 job demands to order
foods
 like pizza or burgers for lunch because of the lack of time and his lifestyle; the mentioned person will never motivate other coworkers to follow his appetite.
Others
 and I,
in contrast
, opine that eating
habitude
Correct your spelling
habits
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 a culture and
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will affect all the
people
 in a country. Consuming snacks from restaurants or ready meals from
food
 factories will support their business and they will obtain significant budgets for advertising; these commercials drive society to eat their products more. In
this
 way,
people
’s healthy appetite will be destroyed and they will suffer from obesity so the needed nutrition will never be achieved for their body. The average of fast
food
 products have to be controlled by the authorities of
food
Add an article
the food
show examples
 industry and all the
people
 should take care of what nutrients they are using. In brief, there are two viewpoints: from one perspective, eating junk
foods
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 detrimental effects on
society
Change noun form
society's
show examples
 health; from
another
Add a comma
another,
show examples
 it is just a personal choice and bears no effect on
others
. I fiercely agree with the first group and in my opinion, fast
food
 is not only harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 its consumers
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 has detrimental
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
 for communities.
Submitted by shaghayegh95shadman on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that your main points are consistently developed throughout the essay. Some points introduced in the paragraph are not fully elaborated or supported. For instance, explaining more thoroughly how advertising drives society to consume fast food could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Avoid minor grammar and spelling mistakes, such as 'process foods' which should be 'processed foods,' and 'habitude' which should be 'habit.' Small errors can detract from the clarity of your message.
coherence cohesion
Try to use a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to improve the variety in your essay. This will make your writing more engaging and demonstrate a higher level of English proficiency.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clearly structured introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame the discussion on both viewpoints.
task achievement
You addressed both viewpoints regarding the consumption of fast food and presented a clear opinion. This demonstrates your ability to engage with the topic critically.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: