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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graphs show figures relating to hours worked and stress level amongs professionals in eight groups. Describe the information shown to a university or coollage lecurer.

The graphs show figures relating to hours worked and stress level amongs professionals in eight groups. Describe the information shown to a university or coollage lecurer.
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The bar chart shows the average hours of working in several fields.
While
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 the pie chart illustrates the stress burdens happening in every job shown.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that
professions
Replace the word
professionals
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such
Linking Words
 as
Use synonyms
business
Correct your spelling
businessmen
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men
Use synonyms
 and movie producers have been working with
the
Correct article usage
an
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 average time is higher than
other kind
Change the wording
another kind
other kinds
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 of jobs.
Whereas
Linking Words
, lecturers and doctors affect more people suffering from stress. On the one hand,
Use synonyms
business
Correct your spelling
businessmen
show examples
men
Use synonyms
 have around 70 hours
work
Change preposition
of work
show examples
 time
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every single week and it becomes the highest average duration.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, chefs and lecturers have
similar
Correct article usage
a similar
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 proportion which is around 30 hours per week. These mean that working time is around twofold lower than the
Use synonyms
business
Correct your spelling
businessmen
show examples
men
Use synonyms
. The highest percentage of individuals which suffers from mental illness comes from lecturers and doctors with the same proportion which is 25% followed by movie producers and
Use synonyms
business
Correct your spelling
businessmen
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men
Use synonyms
 with the total value slightly lower 20% and roughly one to ten respectively.
By contrast
Linking Words
, writers account for the lowest burden with only 5%
workers
Change preposition
of workers
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should suffer
Wrong verb form
suffering
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 from stress.
Submitted by hikmanurdin04 on

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Vocabulary: Replace the words business, men with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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