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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workes deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement?

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These days, some people argue that retirement should not be set at 65 years, as some jobs require the worker to stop at an earlier age.
This
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easy
Change the word
easily
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 agrees with
this
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 statement and
also
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 supports the type of
workers
Use synonyms
 that should receive early benefits.
Firstly
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, every profession creates a different level of physical and psychological fatigue for the worker, which could be preserved if the worker received an early pension.
This
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 allows him to get the medical help
that is
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 needed. 
For example
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, football players tend to retire around the age of 35. Their bodies, by that time,
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 gone through so much pain and exhaustion. It becomes very difficult for them to
countine
Correct your spelling
continue
 working. Some jobs offer risk to the
workers
Use synonyms
;
therefore
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, an early retirement is necessary. These works can be found in the
medicine
Replace the word
medical
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 and science fields;
for example
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,
workers
Use synonyms
 are exposed to radiation or toxic substances. These
workers
Use synonyms
 put their jobs before their health. which was
showen
Correct your spelling
shown
 during COVID-19, many doctors were dealing face-to-face with the
diseases
Fix the agreement mistake
disease
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 which was putting their
lifes
Correct your spelling
lives
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 at
risks
Fix the agreement mistake
risk
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. In conclusion, I totally agree that some
workers
Use synonyms
 deserve an earlier retirement because there are different levels of stress and risks depending on the kind of job.
Additionally
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,
workers
Use synonyms
 who are exposed to sickness and intoxication should be the ones who are benefiting from
this
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 possibility.

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task achievement
Expand on the idea of psychological fatigue and medical help; add more detailed examples and elaboration to make the argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of the essay. This will strengthen the overall coherence and cohesion of your response.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear stance on the topic and supports it with relevant examples, which contributes to a strong task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates the author’s opinion clearly.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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