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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workes deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement?

#people #retirement #age #e #g #years #everybody #occupation #workes #pension #workers #benefit
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These days, some people argue that retirement should not be set at 65 years, as some jobs require the worker to stop at an earlier age.
This
easy
Change the word
easily
show examples
 agrees with
this
 statement and
also
 supports the type of
workers
 that should receive early benefits.
Firstly
, every profession creates a different level of physical and psychological fatigue for the worker, which could be preserved if the worker received an early pension.
This
 allows him to get the medical help
that is
 needed. 
For example
, football players tend to retire around the age of 35. Their bodies, by that time,
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 gone through so much pain and exhaustion. It becomes very difficult for them to
countine
Correct your spelling
continue
 working. Some jobs offer risk to the
workers
;
therefore
, an early retirement is necessary. These works can be found in the
medicine
Replace the word
medical
show examples
 and science fields;
for example
,
workers
 are exposed to radiation or toxic substances. These
workers
 put their jobs before their health. which was
showen
Correct your spelling
shown
 during COVID-19, many doctors were dealing face-to-face with the
diseases
Fix the agreement mistake
disease
show examples
 which was putting their
lifes
Correct your spelling
lives
show examples
 at
risks
Fix the agreement mistake
risk
show examples
. In conclusion, I totally agree that some
workers
 deserve an earlier retirement because there are different levels of stress and risks depending on the kind of job.
Additionally
,
workers
 who are exposed to sickness and intoxication should be the ones who are benefiting from
this
 possibility.
Submitted by sajaali100 on

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task achievement
Expand on the idea of psychological fatigue and medical help; add more detailed examples and elaboration to make the argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of the essay. This will strengthen the overall coherence and cohesion of your response.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear stance on the topic and supports it with relevant examples, which contributes to a strong task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates the author’s opinion clearly.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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