Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workes deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement?

#people #retirement #age #e #g #years #everybody #occupation #workes #pension #workers #benefit

These days, some people argue that retirement should not be set at 65 years, as some jobs require the worker to stop at an earlier age.

This

easy

Change the word

easily

show examples

agrees with

this

statement and

also

supports the type of

workers

that should receive early benefits.

Firstly

, every profession creates a different level of physical and psychological fatigue for the worker, which could be preserved if the worker received an early pension.

This

allows him to get the medical help

that is

needed.

For example

, football players tend to retire around the age of 35. Their bodies, by that time,

has

Correct subject-verb agreement

have

show examples

gone through so much pain and exhaustion. It becomes very difficult for them to

countine

Correct your spelling

continue

working. Some jobs offer risk to the

workers

;

therefore

, an early retirement is necessary. These works can be found in the

medicine

Replace the word

medical

show examples

and science fields;

for example

workers

are exposed to radiation or toxic substances. These

workers

put their jobs before their health. which was

showen

Correct your spelling

shown

during COVID-19, many doctors were dealing face-to-face with the

diseases

Fix the agreement mistake

disease

show examples

which was putting their

lifes

Correct your spelling

lives

show examples

risks

Fix the agreement mistake

risk

show examples

. In conclusion, I totally agree that some

workers

deserve an earlier retirement because there are different levels of stress and risks depending on the kind of job.

Additionally

workers

who are exposed to sickness and intoxication should be the ones who are benefiting from

this

possibility.

Submitted by sajaali100 on Mon Sep 02 2024

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task achievement

Expand on the idea of psychological fatigue and medical help; add more detailed examples and elaboration to make the argument stronger.

coherence cohesion

Ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of the essay. This will strengthen the overall coherence and cohesion of your response.

task achievement

The essay provides a clear stance on the topic and supports it with relevant examples, which contributes to a strong task achievement.

coherence cohesion

The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates the author’s opinion clearly.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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7Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

223 words

<4

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Your opinion

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