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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing? Give some reasons and solutions for it.

#people #risk #health
Nowadays, many of us are facing a few health issues. There are a number of contributing factors behind the onset of various diseases and obesity is one of the factors.
This
 essay will try to delve into the causes and solutions to tackle
this
 issue.
To begin
 with, pointing out the reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 being overweight,
firstly
,
Correct article usage
a sedantary
show examples
sedantary
Correct your spelling
sedentary
 lifestyle is one of the main factors. In fact, a few individuals
due to
 some reasons are not physically active in their day-to-day life because either they are occupied in their chores or they are not motivated enough to do exercise. To illustrate,
according to
 a survey about 47 per cent of people barely do any physical activity and half of them grow obese later on.
Thus
, not doing any activity is a primary cause of being overweight. Adding more to it, wrong
food
 habits
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
the another important reason. As a matter of fact, most of us are eating
food stuffs
Correct your spelling
foodstuffs
show examples
, which are high in sugar and fats.
Moreover
, a major portion of
food
 items in our diet are processed foods.
For example
, fast foods
such
 as burgers and fries, frozen desserts etc. are the main examples of processed foods.
Hence
, our selection of
wrong
Correct article usage
the wrong
show examples
food
 items can lead us to have bulky bodies. In order to solve
this
 issue, a number of ways can be opted,
first,
motivating people to do regular exercise.
Second,
avoiding
Wrong verb form
avoid
show examples
 eatables that are not only sweet but
also
 oily and stored in packets for a long time.
Third,
spreading awareness about the potential dangers that too much weight can cause.
To sum up
, being heavy is a result of not doing any physical activity and eating
wrong
Correct article usage
the wrong
show examples
food stuffs
Correct your spelling
foodstuffs
show examples
. In order to, solve the issue one should
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise in routine, eat right and must be aware of the possible outcomes of obesity in later life.
Submitted by mrsdns on

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task achievement
Ensure the essay's thesis statement directly reflects the causes and solutions that will be discussed, which will enhance clearly focused arguments throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Avoid minor grammatical mistakes and ensure consistent use of formal language, such as avoiding phrases like 'food stuffs' and using 'food items' or 'dietary choices' instead.
coherence cohesion
Employing linking words and phrases (e.g., 'Furthermore,' 'Additionally,') will improve the flow and smooth transition between paragraphs and ideas.
introduction conclusion present
Introduction and conclusion are well-defined and establish the context of the essay succinctly.
supported main points
The essay provides clear, relevant examples to support the points raised, which strengthens the arguments.
complete response
Clear effort has been made to address both causes and solutions comprehensively, which enhances the task response.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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