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Band 5

The youth in many countries are unemployed and unskilled, while at he same time, the military service are in need of people. compulsory military service is beneficial and neccessary

#youth #countries #time #service #people #neccessary
Nowadays, one of the widely discussed
issue
Change to a plural noun
issues
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 is about
adolescent's
Fix the agreement mistake
adolescents'
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 laziness and ambitionless and
country's
Correct article usage
the country's
show examples
 military, which is in need of force at the moment. Part of society
believe
Change the verb form
believes
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 that
necessity
Correct article usage
the necessity
show examples
 of military service can not be denied. Personally, I tend to agree with
this
 statement, as both sides:
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 and young people are able to benefit greatly.
Firstly
,
strict
Correct article usage
a strict
show examples
 day routine in
army
Add an article
the army
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 is a great push to gain some useful habits and skills,
such
 as discipline and teamwork for youngsters. By doing ample exhausting exercises
in
Change preposition
on
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daily
Correct article usage
a daily
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base
Correct your spelling
basis
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 they can strengthen their will and learn how to deal with group issues by communicating with their comrades.
For instance
, my cousin, who had turned eighteen
last
 year went to the
army
. In fact, he used to have
extremely
Correct article usage
an extremely
show examples
 lazy and sluggish nature.
However
, we were surprised when he
had come
Wrong verb form
came
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 back refreshed and energised, showing
eager
Replace the word
eagerness
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 to partake
any
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in any
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 social
events
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event
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, whether it is a party or concert.
On the other hand
, the government can not be undelighted, if their military force recruits as many people, as possible. The main cause of
it
Correct pronoun usage
this
show examples
 is that
powerful
Correct article usage
a powerful
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army
 represents
strength
Correct article usage
the strength
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 and independence of each country, which can increase its worldwide influence. As an example, only
depended
Replace the word
dependent
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 regions are not allowed to have any military sources, thereby, showing their powerlessness
,.
Change the punctuation
,
.
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To conclude
, taking every argument into consideration we can say that military force is profitable
in
Change preposition
to
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that
Correct determiner usage
a
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 high degree that not obligating unmotivated young people to participate
army
 would be
massive
Add an article
a massive
show examples
 waste.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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task achievement
The essay addresses the task adequately, discussing the necessity and benefits of compulsory military service for both the youth and the government. However, some points could be developed further or more clearly. For instance, explaining more about how a strict routine can build useful skills beyond discipline and teamwork would add depth.
coherence cohesion
While the essay follows a logical structure, there are areas where clearer transitions between points and paragraphs could enhance readability. Using more linking words or phrases to guide the reader would improve the cohesion of the essay.
coherence cohesion
For a higher score in coherence and cohesion, ensure each paragraph connects smoothly to the next. Sometimes the ideas feel slightly disjointed, so focus on making clear transitions between paragraphs and within them. This helps maintain a seamless flow of ideas.
general
Avoid minor grammatical inaccuracies and typos, such as "undelighted" instead of "delighted" and minor punctuation issues. These small errors can distract from the overall clarity of your points.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly presents the topic and your standpoint, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.
task achievement
You provide relevant and specific examples, such as your cousin's transformation after military service, which supports your points effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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