IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The government should ban fast foods to improve public health. To what extent do you agree?

#government #ban #foods #health
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Nowadays public health has become a matter of concern in many countries. There are several studies, which testify
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 link between the quality of the products in fast
foods
 and
healthy
Replace the word
health
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 issues,
such
 as
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
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. I agree that the government should take some initiatives regarding
this
 topic, but it need not necessarily be a ban. I believe that taxation would be the best tool in the government’s hands to improve public health. 
However
, one may argue that taxation is a weak instrument, which would not make a big difference
on
Change preposition
in
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this
 regard. People would not be stopped by a slight increase in prices and fast
foods
 would still attract them.
While
this
 may be true, I believe that a ban would be too definitive. Regular
costumers
Correct your spelling
customers
show examples
 would go and find themselves junky food somewhere else,
for instance
 at the supermarket.
Furthermore
, one of the most appealing features of fast
foods
 is the low expenditure that they implicate. By raising the prices of fast
food’s
Change noun form
food
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 products, the government would
equiparate
Correct your spelling
equip
 them with the prices of healthier meals, which perhaps can be found in restaurants or cooked at home.
As a result
, it would incentivize individuals
in spending
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to spend
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 the same amount of money
in
Change preposition
on
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 meals of better quality.
To conclude
, taxation would not stop people from going to fast
foods
, but just disincentivated them.
Nevertheless
,
this
 essay argues that it is a much more moderate initiative that can be taken by the government. Indeed, taxes can be an extremely useful tool in order to influence consumers’ behaviour.
Submitted by 2001martinap on

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, consider including more specific examples or data to illustrate the benefits of taxation over an outright ban on fast foods.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and logically leads to the next. While this essay is relatively well-organized, there are areas where the transitions between ideas could be smoother.
coherence cohesion
Consider varying your vocabulary and sentence structures more to make your argument more compelling and engaging.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear and logical structure, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
You present a balanced argument, considering both sides of the issue, which strengthens your response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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