IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

More and more information about the lives of celebrities is found in newspapers, magazines, and online. Why is this happening? What are the disadvantages for the reading public?

#information #lives #celebrities #newspapers #magazines
There is an increasing trend to share about the
lives
 of celebrities in the
media
such
 as magazines or online
This
 essay will explore the reasons for
this
 matter by discussing the drawbacks of the reading public.
To begin
 with, many news about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
famous personalities in the public
media
.
This
 is because
people
 want to know about their
lives
 as
Add an article
a mean
the mean
show examples
mean
Fix the agreement mistake
means
show examples
 of
comparing
Replace the word
comparison
show examples
 with themselves. It is a natural human instinct to link the
lives
 of renowned characters with ourselves provides
feeling
Add an article
a feeling
the feeling
show examples
 of fulfilment within us.
Also
, some
people
 do research in order to escape from their
life
 realities as they do not reach the same status. So, in that
case
Add a comma
case,
show examples
 it is just a basic
curious
Replace the word
curiosity
show examples
.
For example
, one of my friends used to find out about Donald Trump's
life
 in order to compare with himself
However
, it is not ethical behaviour to search others'
lives
. It may
leads
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
 to demolishing
self- esteem
Correct your spelling
self-esteem
show examples
 for many
people
as well as
 many social problems. Their problems are generally very delicate and may
results
Wrong verb form
result
show examples
 in social collusion on their basic right to have a private
life
. I guess no one wants to find out about his
life
 in the
media
 which is extremely disrespectful. I would recommend to
people
 to empathy for celebrities whose
lives
 were ruined by the
media
. Regarding individuals who search for
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
, reading the public is
waste
Correct article usage
a waste
show examples
 of
time
 for them because they just figure out something that
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
does not affect their
life
 directly. So,
instead
 of reading public which is costly
time
, I suggest improving themselves to be like them if they wish.
For example
,
particulary
Correct your spelling
particularly
particular
 reading self
improvment
Correct your spelling
improvement
 books could be key to
transform
Wrong verb form
transforming
show examples
 their
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 better state. In
conlusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, It is against
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
ethcial
Correct your spelling
ethical
 morals to search
about
Change preposition
for
show examples
fameous
Correct your spelling
famous
people
's
lives
 in the
media
 as
is
Correct your spelling
it
show examples
 is
simple
Correct article usage
a simple
show examples
 characteristic of mankind. It is disadvantageous for the
time
 management of
people
 that they spend their
time
 on something that they
must
Verb problem
do
show examples
 not
careabout
Correct your spelling
care about
. Despite reading public, reading books about personal improvement is significant for the betterment of their future
lives
.
Submitted by Yasar Khan on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay provides some reasons why information about celebrities is widely shared in the media, but it could benefit from more depth and clarity.
task achievement
Make sure to directly address both parts of the question: reasons for the phenomenon and disadvantages. While the essay attempts to address these, some points are not fully developed or clear.
task achievement
Expand on the ideas presented; provide more specific examples and explanations to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your paragraphs have clear topic sentences and follow a logical structure. Some ideas in the essay seem disjointed or incomplete.
coherence cohesion
Improve transitions between ideas and paragraphs to enhance the overall flow of the essay. Using linking words effectively can help in making your writing more cohesive.
coherence cohesion
Revise the conclusion to reiterate the main points discussed and ensure it provides a clear summary of the essay.
task achievement
The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing both reasons for increased celebrity coverage and its disadvantages.
task achievement
Some relevant examples are provided to support the main points, such as the reference to Donald Trump.
coherence cohesion
An effort is made to structure the essay into clear sections with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • celebrity culture
  • societal values
  • social media
  • voyeurism
  • sensationalism
  • readership
  • paparazzi
  • invasion of privacy
  • commercial gain
  • pressing topics
  • informed citizenry
  • mental health
  • feelings of inadequacy
  • low self-esteem
  • misinformation
  • unrealistic expectations
  • manipulated portrayals
What to do next:
Look at other essays: