Today our communications, medicine and transport systems all depend on computer technology. Our reliance on computer technology in these fields has created a dangerous situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

With recent
advancement
Fix the agreement mistake
advancements
show examples
in
technology
, our lives have become increasingly dependent on computers.
While
technology
offers numerous benefits, it
also
raises significant
concern
Fix the agreement mistake
concerns
show examples
. I believe that the safe exchange of
information
through digital platforms is susceptible to misuse or failure, which can lead to serious consequences. First of all, despite the best
effort
Fix the agreement mistake
efforts
show examples
of engineers, computer
systems
occasionally
mulfunction
Correct your spelling
malfunction
, leading to operational failures in
variety
Add an article
a variety
show examples
of areas.
For instance
, A few months ago, Microsoft Office experienced a critical bug in an updated version causing widespread disruptions. Flights were
canceled
Change the spelling
cancelled
show examples
, hospital records were inaccessible, and even the traffic light ceased functioning.
Such
incident highlights the vulnerability of our
systems
to technological failure.
Moreover
, private
information
on digital platforms is constantly at
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
risk of being exposed or misused. A notable example is the data breach involving Facebook, which raised significant concerns among U.S. citizens about the exposure of their personal
information
.
Consequently
, Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of Facebook, faced a trial, issued an apology, and paid
substantial
Correct article usage
a substantial
show examples
penalty.
This
case
underscore
Change the verb form
underscores
show examples
the potential dangers associated with inadequate data protection. In conclusion,
while
technology
revolutionized our health, transport and communication
systems
, it
also
introduces risks related to the secure exchange of
information
. As far as
technology
is concerned, the consistent safe exchange of
information
necessitates reliable and secure
systems
to avoid hindrance of essential services.
Submitted by razmimhy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to better support your main points with diverse examples and elaborate on them further to enhance the strength of your argument.
coherence cohesion
Improve the accuracy of language usage, especially in terms of grammar and spelling, as there are a few minor errors like 'mulfunction' instead of 'malfunction' which could slightly distract the reader.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, allowing for a coherent structure.
task achievement
You have clearly identified the risks associated with reliance on computer technology and provided relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
You maintain a good logical flow throughout the essay, making it easy to follow your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • reliance
  • cybersecurity
  • over-reliance
  • digital divide
  • data breach
  • cyberbullying
  • diagnostic machines
  • electronic health records
  • automated vehicles
  • predictive maintenance
  • real-time monitoring
  • vulnerability
  • misinformation
  • hacking
  • efficiency
  • navigation systems
  • traditional skills
  • system failures
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!