With the advances in science and technology, people from different ends of the world can communicate with each other. What is your opinion on the impact of technologies on our lives? Do you think that these advances only result in positive outcomes?
As new
technologies
have been making progress, people
get plenty of benefits from these new skills and new stuff. However
, new technologies
are not always beneficial to people
and new problems often attend new technologies
.
New technologies
, such
as computers, cell phones, and iPads make our lives more convenient and these products can even broaden our horizons. People
can receive a variety of knowledge on the internet and use it to communicate with other people
from foreign countries without limits for space and time as well. As a result
, people
from one country could have a chance to be exposed to different cultures compared to the more close past life. Additionally
, there are many entertainments entering into our life. Children play video games, students go to see movies, and adults have dates in amusement parks. These recreational facilities and machines appear as a result
of people
's creation.
Conversely
, as I have mentioned every new invention often is accompanied by new trouble. For example
, although
computer
brings or changes Correct article usage
the computer
people
's lifestyles and it has a positive effect in some aspects, such
as people
can have various activities in
a remote distance and it is not necessary to attend events in person, it Change preposition
at
bring
about laziness to Change the verb form
brings
people
at the same time. Moreover
, some people
might be obsessed with games and would rather stay in their comfort zone than go out,
and have social events with other Remove the comma
apply
people
. This
is one of the disadvantages that technology may bring to people
. Another significant problem is that technologies
give rise to damage to the environment. As more and more people
use sundry electronic equipment and
these products consume a large quantity of electricity which compels Correct word choice
apply
people
to build up extra energy-producing machines and take up enormous land.
All in all, even though human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
creat
Correct your spelling
create
great
number of things, new problems will occur and face Correct article usage
a great
people
.
Therefore
, not every technology can have good advances and the most important thing is that if we do not apply them properly, these technologies
are likely to cause unexpected aftermath to human
.Fix the agreement mistake
humans
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Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction clearly sets out the topic and presents your opinion, which is beneficial for the overall structure. However, ensure that each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence to guide the reader smoothly from one point to the next.
Task Achievement
While you provide relevant examples to support your points, they could benefit from being a bit more detailed. For instance, when discussing the environmental impact, specific examples such as e-waste or specific types of pollution could add depth to your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance the sophistication of your vocabulary and sentence structures to elevate the overall quality of your essay. Attempt to use a wider variety of sentence patterns and transitional phrases to improve readability and flow.
Task Achievement
Your essay covers both positive and negative impacts of technology, providing a balanced view which is crucial in a discussion essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay's structure includes an introduction and a conclusion, which helps in framing your response well.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example