IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that individuals who earn a lot of money are the most successful. Others say that the individuals who contribute to the society (such as scientists or teachers) are the most successful. 🔸Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Write at least 250 words.

#people #individuals #money #society #scientists #teachers #🔸discuss
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Some
people
 believe that individuals who earn a lot of
money
 are the most
succesful
Correct your spelling
successful
while
 others say that the
ones
 who contribute to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
 are the most successful
ones
. From my personal
stand point
Correct your spelling
standpoint
show examples
, the professionals who contribute to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
 in diverse ways are the most successful. In the
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 we will
discourse
Verb problem
discuss
show examples
 why the
ones
 who earn lots of
money
 are less successful,
while
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
ohter
Correct your spelling
other
 hand, the
ones
 who contribute the
theire
Correct your spelling
their
theatre
society
 are more
powerfull
Correct your spelling
powerful
.
People
how
Correct word choice
who
show examples
earns
Change the verb form
earn
show examples
 a lot of
money
 can be seen as favourable
outcomers
Correct your spelling
outcomes
outcome
, but
this
 is not
allways
Correct your spelling
always
 true.
this
 is
due to
 the
varity
Correct your spelling
variety
 of ways that
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
entrepenurs
Correct your spelling
entrepreneurs
entrepreneur
 can make
theire
Correct your spelling
their
money
,
in
Correct your spelling
it
show examples
 could be by
work
Wrong verb form
working
show examples
 hard in a company, starting
theire
Correct your spelling
their
 own company, or maybe in a more
ilegal
Correct your spelling
illegal
legal
 way.
For example
,
this
 year a lot
o
Change preposition
of
show examples
powerfull
Correct your spelling
powerful
people
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 arrested for selling drugs to kids and
prostitucion
Correct your spelling
prostitution
.
That is
 why we can not count them as empire heroes.
On the other
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 the
ones
 who contribute to their
society
,
such
 as teachers, doctors, scientists... can be considered the
real
Replace the word
really
show examples
 important
ones
,
this
 is
beacuse
Correct your spelling
because
 not only
the were
Verb problem
are
show examples
 most of
theire
Correct your spelling
their
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
studiyng
Correct your spelling
studying
, but
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
also
 develop an important place in our
society
.
For example
, a few days ago, a group of doctors were able to create a way to treat
people
 with some important
deseasses
Correct your spelling
diseases
 in their brain, like depression. In conclusion,
people
 who
offers
Change the verb form
offer
show examples
 a service to
theire sociaty
Correct your spelling
their society
 are more successful than the
ones
 who only make
money
.
Submitted by pabloenriquevicente on

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vocabulary
Be cautious of repetition and try to vary your vocabulary. For example, instead of repeating 'successful' and 'contribute to society,' find synonyms or rephrase.
language
Check your work for grammar and spelling errors. These can affect the clarity of your essay.
content development
Add more specific examples to support your points, especially when discussing how people contribute to society or earn money. Personal anecdotes or real-world examples can strengthen your argument.
task fulfillment
Ensure that all parts of the assignment prompt are addressed equally and thoroughly. Make sure to balance the discussion between both views presented in the essay prompt.
structure
You provided a clear conclusion that summarizes your standpoint effectively, which ties the essay together nicely.
organization
The essay presents a clear division between the two viewpoints, making it easier for the reader to follow the discussion.
content development
You offered relevant examples, such as the group of doctors developing treatments for brain diseases, which adds depth to your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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