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Writing Samples
Band 7

The graph gives information about the number of people in Australia who worked out moderately by different groups of age in the year 2010.

The graph gives information about the number of people in Australia who worked out moderately by different groups of age in the year 2010.
#information #people #australia #groups #age #year
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The graph gives information about the number of people in Australia who worked out moderately by different groups of age in the year 2010. In general,
women
Use synonyms
 doing physical exercises had a total percentage number higher than
men
Use synonyms
 over the year.
In addition
Linking Words
,
men
Use synonyms
 who are in age from 15 to 24 enjoyed physical activities the most. It is clearly seen that
people
Change preposition
for people
show examples
 in the range ages 15 to 44, the proportion of
women
Use synonyms
 experienced a
constantly
Change the word
constant
show examples
 increase, with the figures standing at 52.5 %.
While
Linking Words
percentage
Add an article
the percentage
show examples
 of
men
Use synonyms
 who were from 25 to 34 years old decreased by about 10% and continued to slightly drop from 42.2% to 39.5% when they got older at 44. At the age 45 to 54, both percentages of
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 worked out rose slightly to 43.1% and 53.3% respectively.
However
Linking Words
, the ages from 45 to 65 years old and over showed
a different patterns
Correct the article-noun agreement
a different pattern
different patterns
show examples
. The number of
men
Use synonyms
 went up a bit higher from 43% to 46.7%.
By contrast
Linking Words
, the proportion of
women
Use synonyms
 dropped from 53.3% to 47.1%.
Submitted by duyuyen18 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 100%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words women, men with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "gives" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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