IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people say that professional workers such as doctors, nurses and teachers who make a greater contribution to society should be paid more than sports athletes and entertainment stars. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #workers #doctors #nurses #teachers #contribution #society #sports #athletes #entertainment #stars
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One of the widely discussed issues nowadays is
undervalue
Correct article usage
the undervalue
show examples
 of specific workers. Now people are beginning to realize that doctors, teachers, etc., should be paid more than people like actors and company CEOs, whose work importance cannot be compared to first stated jobs. Personally, I think it’s quite unfair that
such
 important fields are not appreciated more, considering how absolutely necessary they are.
Firstly
, as I said, they are more significant and required, there is no arguing about that. One of the main reasons for that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 is the fact that everyone needs them. A good point is that we can live just fine without some sort of celebrities
,
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apply
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 because they don’t have much of an impact on our lives. Medics and mentors,
however
, do have a big influence. Without them, we’d experience unpleasant consequences.
Furthermore
, leading to a huge crisis.
Secondly
, individuals from
medical
Correct article usage
the medical
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 and pedagogical
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
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 go through a lot of stress and struggle in comparison to those, who barely do anything at all, yet get paid huge amounts.
That is
 to say, there is sacrificing their time and peace of mind for others. Take
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
show examples
 example, the way we deal with different people. It takes a lot of patience and willpower to handle them, yet they do it well. In conclusion, it is safe to assume, that specialists deserve better treatment
along with
 a good salary.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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task achievement
Try to define your stance more clearly at the beginning. While you do state your opinion, it can be more assertive and explicit.
task achievement
Include more relevant examples to illustrate your points. Drawing from real-life situations or statistical data can strengthen your argumentation.
coherence cohesion
Work on the transitions between paragraphs to increase the logical flow of the essay. Smooth transitions help the reader follow your argument easily.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each main point is fully developed to provide a comprehensive response. Expanding on ideas and giving specifics can enhance the essay's depth.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction and conclusion are clearly present, setting the scope and summarizing the essay effectively.
logical structure
You have a clear structure in place, with distinct paragraphs for each main idea, which aids in the overall readability.
clear comprehensive ideas
The essay demonstrates clear and comprehensive ideas, reflecting a good understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • contribution to society
  • public health
  • extensive education
  • significant debt
  • high levels of stress
  • responsibility
  • future generation
  • undervalued
  • long-term importance
  • market demand
  • entertainment industry
  • societal value
  • compensation system
  • income inequality
  • essential services
  • adequately staffed
  • resourced
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