Some people think that people who immigrate to a new country should accept the new culture as their own rather than remain in separate minority groups and live in different lifestyles. Do you agree or disagree?
Some men and women believe that individuals who go abroad to have more acceptable life opportunities should prefer the new culture as their own and they shouldn't diversify the whole society. I totally agree with
this
thought because I believe that they can find a better occupation and educate their children more peacefully.
Firstly
, people immigrate to a new country to have a chance for a better life than they had in their own country. In order to do this
, they should learn the
native language, culture, and traditions to have more qualified professions. Change the word
their
For example
, individuals who can understand the whole society will be more successful in their occupations because the employers prefer them rather than someone who can not communicate with the folks. Additionally
, people can't be able to gain more money unless they embrace where they work and who their colleagues are.
On the other hand
, many men and women who go to another country, don't come back to their homeland. They start to build a family in a new environment and have children there. Therefore
, it is important to accept the new culture because their children can have a better education in this
way. To explain this
, adolescents discriminate against other young generations if they are different from themselves. Hence
, the kids should accept the new lifestyle as their parents do to improve their self-confidence and to have proper friends at school. Moreover
, it impacts teenagers to find an occupation in the future because of that network.
In conclusion, some people think that it is more important to accept a new lifestyle for the
immigrants than Correct article usage
apply
remaining
in separate minority groups. In my opinion, they will have better opportunities when they are used to adopt it.Change the verb form
to remain
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coherence cohesion
Consider refining your paragraph transitions to ensure an even smoother flow between ideas. For instance, using phrases like 'Moreover,' or 'Additionally,' at the beginning of a paragraph to introduce further points can be beneficial.
task achievement
While your ideas are clear and comprehensive, aim for more specific examples to illustrate your points further. This could strengthen your arguments and provide greater depth to your essay.
task achievement
Be cautious of minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For instance, 'people can't be able to gain more money' should be 'people will not be able to earn more money.' Such adjustments can make your writing more polished.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-presented, providing a clear stance on the topic.
task achievement
You offer logical arguments and support main points effectively, which enhances the overall quality of your essay.