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Writing Samples /
Band 1.5

Nowadays more and more people buy and use their own cars. Do you think the advantages of this trend for individuals outweigh its disadvantages for the environment?

#people #cars #trend #individuals #environment
It is observed that many people buy their own
car
 to use.There are both merits and demerits, and I think the drawbacks are greater than the benefits.
To begin
 with,there are benefits
for buy
Change preposition
to buying
show examples
their
Change the word
a
show examples
car
.
Firstly
,it can encourage
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
global warming.The
car
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 a lot of gas when they ride around,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 can make
worse
Correct pronoun usage
it worse
show examples
 for
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
.
Secondly
,they can
accident
Fix the agreement mistake
accidents
show examples
 with other cars.
For example
,people can sudden
accident
Fix the agreement mistake
accidents
show examples
 may occur when they
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not focus on their
drive
Replace the word
driving
show examples
.It can have massive injury or
dead
Replace the word
death
show examples
.
However
,not all aspects of
car
Fix the agreement mistake
cars
show examples
 are disadvantages.First of all, they can travel more
comfortable
Change the word
comfortably
show examples
.They do not have to check
Correct pronoun usage
their trasport
show examples
trasport
Correct your spelling
transport
 schedule,and helps to manage their
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
.
In addition
,easier to manage their finance.When they take transport they need to pay for
vehicle
Add an article
the vehicle
a vehicle
show examples
,but
Add an article
the car
show examples
car
Fix the agreement mistake
cars
show examples
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not need to pay often.It is more socioeconomically beneficial for them. In conclusion,buying
own
Correct pronoun usage
your own
show examples
car
are
Verb problem
is more
show examples
 beneficial than the drawbacks.
Thus
,people should buy their
car
 for lives
Submitted by yskim3064 on

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task response
Your essay addresses the task and provides arguments both for and against the trend of buying cars. However, some points are unclear and lack depth. Clear and more specific examples will help strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
There is an attempt to structure the essay, with an introduction, main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow between ideas could be improved. Try using linking words and phrases to make your essay more cohesive.
coherence and cohesion
You have a conclusion, but it does not clearly follow from the arguments presented in the main body paragraphs. Ensure your conclusion summarizes and reflects the arguments you have made earlier in the essay.
task response
Your essay attempts to address both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced approach.
coherence and cohesion
You have made an effort to structure your essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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