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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people believe that it is important to give gifts and presents to friends and family to show that we care about them. Others believe that there are better ways to show that we care about them. *Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #gifts #friends #show #care #*discuss
Giving
gifts
 and presents is a
way
 to show our
care
 and love for friends and family.
However
, some
people
 believe that there are other ways to demonstrate concern for them.
This
 essay will discuss both perspectives and explain why I agree that other methods are more fundamental.
To begin
 with, it is widely accepted that buying
gifts
 and presents indicates
care
 for someone.
This
 is a common cultural practice that plays a significant role in birthdays, rituals, and other important events.
For example
, on birthdays,
people
 often buy presents to express their kindheartedness.
Moreover
, in some religions,
such
 as Yom Kippur in Judaism or Ashura in Islam,
people
 give
gifts
 to each other to celebrate these occasions. These are clear illustrations of the importance of buying
gifts
 and presents to connect
people
 in society.
On the other hand
, there are other ways to show our
care
 for someone. Communicating sincerely and trying to understand their problems can be an effective
way
 to express our emotions.
This
 is vitally important because, as humans, we need someone in our bad times more than in our good times. Not only acknowledging their struggles but
also
 helping them overcome their issues can be a meaningful
way
 to have a lasting impact on them.
For instance
, my uncle helped me learn English at a very young age, which has had a profound impact on my career.
Therefore
, I personally agree that other ways are more essential than just buying
gifts
 to show our
care
 for
people
. In conclusion,
while
 buying
gifts
 and presents is an integral part of global culture to depict our
care
 and love, assisting individuals with their challenges is a more valuable
way
 to demonstrate our concern.
Submitted by Yasar Khan on

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task achievement
To reach higher scores, you could develop your main points further with more specific examples and explanations for each point. This will enhance the completeness and depth of your response.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to include clear topic sentences for each paragraph and perhaps use more varied linking words and phrases to enhance overall coherence. Transition statements between ideas could also be more explicit.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and logical structure with a well-defined introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
The main points are supported with relevant examples that reinforce the argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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