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Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries around the world, life expectancy is increasing. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this situation and give your own opinion.

#countries #world #life #expectancy #situation
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These days, an increasing lifespan has become one of the most frequently asked questions.
Due to
 several reasons, the length of
life
 has been rising in different countries around the world.
That is
 why there might be a discussion about some possible pros and cons of growing
life
 expectancy among some
people
. I believe that there are both positive and negative effects
however
, the outweighs the latter. First of all, having reached
increasing
Correct article usage
an increasing
show examples
 lifespan, modern
people
 can enjoy all
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
show examples
,
for example
, the support from a person's grandparents. Living in a fast-developing society,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of
people
 pay
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
attention to career ladders, so they may not have enough time for their families.
Therefore
,
instead
 of hiring babysitters for their daily babies, grandmothers or grandfathers can assist
sitting
Change preposition
in sitting
show examples
 with grandchildren, showing their love and care. Another great advantage of growing length of
life
 might be an opportunity of living a long happy
life
 after being retired. Nowadays, elder
people
 have a chance to enjoy their lives
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
, exploring the world, doing sports and new hobbies.
However
, the main issue with rising lifespan is
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 potential problem of famine. Since the
overall
 amount of
people
 is increasing every day, the planet has become overpopulated. More crops, meat, and other food should be produced to feed
growing
Correct article usage
the growing
show examples
Earth
Change noun form
Earth's
show examples
 population, which leads to food quality, through implementing genetically modified groceries or may lead to famine.
Moreover
, other social issues
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
show examples
 the problem of retirement and paying pensions,
lack
Correct word choice
and lack
show examples
 of job opportunities might become a huge disadvantage. Many companies do not want to recruit young employees, as they already have experienced staff. If the older generation were retired on time, there would not be
such
 a problem for the young ones to find a job.
Overall
, in my personal opinion, the opportunity to enjoy a person's
life
 and
living
Wrong verb form
live
show examples
 for themselves outweighs a list of possible social problems.
Submitted by tyurina.98 on

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task achievement
Ensure to fully elaborate on the points mentioned. The essay touches on key points but could benefit from more detailed examples and explanations to strengthen the arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the transitions between paragraphs. Ensuring smooth transitions can help the essay flow better and improve clarity.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame the discussion.
task achievement
The response to the task is complete, addressing both the advantages and disadvantages of increased life expectancy as well as providing a personal opinion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • life expectancy
  • demographics
  • societal development
  • healthcare system
  • pension funds
  • multigenerational
  • workforce
  • economic sustainability
  • intergenerational inequality
  • longevity
  • proactive policy
  • geriatrics
  • senior citizens
  • ageing population
  • fertility rates
  • dependency ratio
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