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Band 4

Children have to be educated but they also have to be allowed to learn things by themselves. To what extent do you agree? How will education develop in the future?

#children #education #future
The
given
Verb problem
apply
show examples
pie chart
displays
Rephrase
below displays
show examples
 the
proportion
between
Change preposition
of
show examples
males
 and females arrested from 1990 to 1994 inclusively,
whereas
 the
below-given
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
bar chart
indicates
Rephrase
below indicates
show examples
 the common causes of these arrests. First of all, it’s worth mentioning that the total of men taken into custody exceeds the corresponding number of
women
 more than three times.
Secondly
, in three (
drink
Replace the word
drunk
show examples
 driving, breach of order, theft) out of five listed offences the
proportion
 of
males
 committed it prevails. As for the main reason among both genders, which is public drinking, the
proportion
 of
women
 is over 10% higher, so that approx.
one third
Add a hyphen
one-third
show examples
 of all seized
women
 were taken for it. Looking closer
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the second chart, we can find out that
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 greater
proportion
 of females (a. 19%) were seized for assault commitment, than it is for
males
 (a. 17)
those
Change preposition
in those
show examples
 years.
Furthermore
, the biggest distinction between
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
 sexes occurs in
drink
Replace the word
drunk
show examples
 driving cases, where the percentage of men arrested surpasses the
proportion
 of
women
 almost twice as high (26% vs 14%).
Finally
, a. 7% of females refused to reveal the actual motive for them
taken
Add a missing verb
being taken
show examples
 into custody,
while
 among
males
 it is only 4%.
To sum up
, we should admit that both charts give a good ground for comparing two genders in the offences criteria. Even though
males
are seem
Change the verb form
seem
show examples
 to break the law more often, there’s no startling contrast between the proportions of men and
women
 seized for the listed violations.
Submitted by dulskywork on

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task response
Try to minimize inaccuracies and ensure consistency in percentages and timeframe details. For example, using 'approx.' or 'a.' can be confusing.
task response
Include more specific figures to give a clearer and more comprehensive analysis.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical connections between sentences and paragraphs. Make sure that each part flows smoothly into the next.
coherence cohesion
Employ more varied linking words and phrases to improve the overall coherence.
grammar
Double-check the grammatical structures and verb tenses to ensure accuracy.
vocabulary
Use a greater variety of synonymous phrases to maintain reader interest and demonstrate language proficiency.
task response
You have provided a detailed comparison between the genders regarding the causes of arrests.
coherence cohesion
Overall structure and presence of introduction and conclusion are clear and appropriate.
coherence cohesion
Sentences are generally coherent and main points are supported with data from the charts.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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