IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that to give opportunities to the new generation companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #opportunities #generation #companies #level #employees
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Nowadays, the majority of big companies are led by people from the older generation,
on the other hand
, there is an upcoming generation full of hungry, modern specialists. In my opinion, it is really important to hire younger employees for the company’s future, as they are much more adapted to the new, digital world. Currently, almost the whole world is in the rebuilding phase, as technologies are developing on a daily basis.
Therefore
, companies should look for someone who
is
Verb problem
has
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 already adapted
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the new world’s requirements. After many decades of being ruled by older people, a new specialist will feel like a breath of fresh air for the company.
For example
, Steve Jobs was just a regular student in his early twenties when he started one of the most iconic companies ever, “Apple”. The reason why “Apple” stood out among all of the other
competition
Replace the word
competitors
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 was Steve Jobs’ incredible ideas, which were new to the scene.
However
, even Steve Jobs had a lot of struggles at the beginning, and selling his company is a great example. The reason for that was a lack of confidence in himself and his own ideas, which would be unfamiliar
for
Change preposition
to
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 the experienced masters from the older generations. To get to the top of the mountain, almost every single director had to cope with a lot of challenges, and they would never get there without risking and making hard decisions.
To sum up
,
although
 an older director brings tons of experience to the company, I think the advantages of having a younger one are more vital.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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task achievement
Consider expanding on your points to provide a more thorough discussion. For instance, discuss potential disadvantages of encouraging early retirement for older employees, even briefly, to provide a balanced argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on transitions between your points to enhance the logical flow of the essay. For example, adding phrases like 'However' or 'On the other hand' can help in making smoother transitions between contrasting ideas or points.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction is strong and clearly states your position.
relevant specific examples
The essay includes relevant examples that support the main points effectively, such as the reference to Steve Jobs and Apple.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a clear conclusion that summarizes your points and reinforces your opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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