IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

5.Women are better at childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and less on their working life. To what extents do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Women are more adept at caregiving than men;
therefore
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, they should prioritize the upbringing of their
children
Use synonyms
 over their professional pursuits.
This
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 essay
also
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 agrees with
this
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 initiative because it is
childcare
Use synonyms
females
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 are very adorable and workable
females
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 are more stressed per period. The primary reason why childbirth
females
Use synonyms
 are more attractive is that it is basic sense to men and
females
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 to take
care
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 of birth if you don’t
care
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 about your
babies
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 but still a rising problem. Experts and
females
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 always take
care
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 of
babies
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,
for instance
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, when child
babies
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’ days were increased, there was 100 % focus on
childcare
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 because it is not only on long
last
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 sleeping
babies
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 but
also
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 more and more crying.
Furthermore
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, A
childcare
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 person maintains various work daily so they should focus on their family or other
babies
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, there is a huge daily working activity and think about taking
care
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 of
babies
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. The second main reason is that women feel that their working days are more stressful. In the modern day, many women work through employment,
while
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 they have assignments in factories or banks it is a brain activity which is not effective, I mean totally stressful. The female reader does a job,
for example
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, they always think of their
children
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, so it's a painful period. A man works and when he goes home after finishing work he should not think about his family, they always think about their
children
Use synonyms
 or others. So, there was a big difference between male and female
childcare
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. In conclusion,
this
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 essay believes that
females
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' concentration is better child than men they should be controlled both by raising
children
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 and working because it focuses more on their
babies
Use synonyms
 looking after and working time more pain but it is good careful.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay should have a clearer structure. Start with an introduction that clearly states your position, followed by supporting paragraphs that provide evidence and arguments, and finally a conclusion that summarizes your points and restates your position.
coherence cohesion
You need to ensure that the ideas you present are well-organized and logically connected. Use linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Expand on your ideas with more detailed arguments and relevant examples. This will help to make your essay more convincing.
task achievement
Avoid repetition and ensure that each paragraph focuses on a different aspect of your argument. This will make your essay more engaging and easier to follow.
task achievement
You have attempted to provide reasons and examples to support your position, which is a good approach to developing your argument.
task achievement
Your essay touches on relevant points about the roles of women in childcare and the workplace, which are important aspects to consider for this topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • primary caregivers
  • biological factors
  • maternal instincts
  • nurturing
  • workforce
  • career growth
  • income equality
  • family dynamics
  • shared responsibility
  • gender stereotypes
  • economic disparities
  • traditional roles
  • modern family
  • active roles in childcare
  • opportunity and support
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