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Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

many people work long hours, leaving very little time for lesiure activites. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages?

#people #work #hours #time #lesiure #activites #situation
On the one hand, I concede that working long
hours
 can frustrate people about their job. When people
worked
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
 in their office for a long
time
, their minds get tired. They;
therefore
, do not show any interest in their job. It could be argued that long
hours
 can have some benefits like
money
, as they can earn
money
 by spending more
time
 in
office
Correct article usage
the office
show examples
. Another downside is stress. Many individuals are stressed, especially, under some circumstances like
this
, so not only do they not force themselves, but
also
 it affects their mental health.
However
,
although
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the downside to
work
Change the verb form
working
show examples
 long
hours
 is a real concern. I feel that there are more reasons for us to support the
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 for long
hours
.
Firstly
, it provides a good opportunity for many to get
promotion
Correct article usage
a promotion
show examples
 in their work. If everyone spends less
time
 on past activities, they will get a chance to concentrate on their work.
As a result
, they will be a productive person in their office. Another advantage is
money
.It means that
while
 they do not spend their
time
 on leisure activities like watching video games or talking with family, the earnings of their
money
 will increase.
Therefore
, they have a good lifestyle in their life.
Submitted by yektashahryari on

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task achievement
To improve your score, work on more thoroughly balancing your arguments for and against the topic. Right now, the essay leans more toward discussing the disadvantages and lacks depth in the analysis of advantages.
coherence cohesion
Enhance coherence by making clearer connections between your ideas. For example, use transitional phrases such as 'on the contrary,' 'moreover,' and 'in addition' to create smoother transitions between points.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure by providing a clear and distinct introduction and conclusion. Also, make sure each paragraph has a single focus or main idea.
task achievement
You have successfully highlighted both advantages and disadvantages of working long hours, making the essay balanced.
coherence cohesion
The essay showcases a commendable attempt to develop a reasoned argument, with points such as the opportunity for promotion and increased earnings.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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