Some people believe that governments should spend the money from taxes on healthcare services, while others think that this budget should be invested in other fields. Discuss both of these views and give your own opinion

There is a heated discussion over the
government
expenditure on
healthcare
. Some believe that
healthcare
is one of the
dominate
Replace the word
dominant
show examples
subjects in people’s
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
,
while
others believe there are more important fields that require
government
subsidy.
This
essay claims that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
should focus on the citizens’ lives and allocate adequate finance to safeguard their health. The
proactors
Correct your spelling
protectors
prosecutors
argue that the
government
should place a high priority on public medical services because the senior generations have gradually turned into the largest proportion
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
the population, which indicates the burden on medical services has surged unsubconsciously. A large increasing number of residents are facing severe difficulty in medical care. A socialist from Peking University published a statistical analysis revealing the relationship between the elderly generations and
healthcare
services, which showed that every 5 thousand elderly inhabitants
requires
Change the verb form
require
show examples
one full-equipment hospital,
otherwise
, there is a large possibility that medical
hospital
Fix the agreement mistake
hospitals
show examples
will
short
Add a missing verb
be short
show examples
for the public need.
However
, there are countless cities
fall
Correct pronoun usage
that fall
show examples
behind
this
standard and
resistends
Correct your spelling
resist and
usually spend half of their days waiting in the Emergency room
for seeing
Change preposition
to see
show examples
a doctor.
Therefore
, it is
hightime
Correct your spelling
high time
for the
government
to expand their
spendings
Fix the agreement mistake
spending
show examples
on medical care
on
Change preposition
by
show examples
increasing the medical staff or building more medical facilities. At the same, the anti-proactors argue that there are
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
other urgent fields in shortage of
fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
show examples
,
such
as education. There has been a large number of children whose family cannot take their financial schooling burden and choose to work before entering high school.
This
phenomenon
further
exacebates
Correct your spelling
exacerbates
exacerbated
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
juvinile
Correct your spelling
juvenile
delinquency that
harm
Change the verb form
harms
show examples
the community and disturbs the normal life for those law-abiding citizens. A report from the New York Times stated that the number of
juvinile
Correct your spelling
juvenile
offenders has doubled in the past two years, which suggests that the
government
should place a high priority on crime. In conclusion,
this
essay believes that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
should subsidize
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
healthcare
because it is
indispendable
Correct your spelling
indispensable
for citizens and it is the
government
Change noun form
government's
show examples
duties
Fix the agreement mistake
duty
show examples
to safeguard their health and lives.
Submitted by input_chaff.0g on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While your response addresses both views and provides relevant examples, there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrasings that affect clarity. Ensure your examples are well-integrated into your arguments and clearly support your points.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the logical flow of your arguments by using clear and appropriate connectors. While the essay follows a logical structure, some sentences are overly complex and convoluted. Simplify your sentence structure for clarity.
general
Revise and edit your work to avoid minor grammatical mistakes and awkward phrasing. Consistently maintaining clarity and correctness will enhance your overall response.
task achievement
You have presented a balanced discussion of both views and concluded with your opinion, which is essential for task completion.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a framework that helps readers follow your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are generally well-supported with external references and examples, which strengthens your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: