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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys?

#parents #children #toys #child
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It is
ture
Correct your spelling
true
 that many
children
 have a
lot
 of playthings. Play benefits have much more, but having a large number of
toys
 has many advantages and drawbacks. I describe it below in detail. On the one hand, having
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
toys
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a
lot
 of benefits.
To begin
 with,
children
 learn to control
things
, a
children
 can not control
any
Correct your spelling
anything
show examples
things
 when they grow up.
Much
Fix the agreement mistake
Many
show examples
 more
toys
 might help them control other
things
. As to cognitive skills, playing
toys
 can increase
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 cognitive skills.They can learn new
approach
Fix the agreement mistake
approaches
show examples
 very quickly and successfully.
Finally
,many playing
things
 can
create
Verb problem
make
show examples
 them happier than others, so the identification of colours could be easiest for them, and in cities
live
Verb problem
apply
show examples
, they
have
Add a missing verb
do have
show examples
 not enough
playground
Fix the agreement mistake
playgrounds
show examples
, so it is a very good time
passing way
Wrong verb form
pass
show examples
.
On the other hand
, playing
more
Change preposition
with more
show examples
toys
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a
lot
 of drawbacks.
firstly
,many
toys
 contain harmful plastic,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is very unhealthy. Because we saw every child bit their
toys
 gradually.
Thus
, create
lot
Change the article
a lot
show examples
 of diseases.
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 Fiver,skin
dieases
Correct your spelling
diseases
, cancer,
colera
Correct your spelling
cholera
,
deptheries
Correct your spelling
depth series
or
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 so on.
Finally
,many
toys
 create much fun,
as a result
, they would pass time with
its
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 very happily and
get
Verb problem
make
show examples
 new
firends
Correct your spelling
friends
, sometimes others feel envy with him or her.
Thus
 that could create
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
less
person
Replace the word
personal
show examples
 interaction.
As a result
,they can not communicate with each
others
Change to a singular noun
other
show examples
 in school, social parties or organisations
or
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 so on. In conclusion,
the
Change preposition
with the
show examples
 lack of
play ground
Correct your spelling
playground
show examples
 in the city, parents buy more
toys
 for their kids
for playing
Change preposition
to play
show examples
 them. It has both advantages with drawbacks. I think benefits are likely more than disadvantages.
Submitted by mdtipusultanakhand on

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task achievement
The essay addresses the task and provides an appropriate overview of the advantages and disadvantages of having a large number of toys; however, there are too many grammatical errors and unclear sentences that affect readability.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is generally structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, some ideas lack coherence due to unclear expression and grammatical inaccuracies. Try to simplify your sentence structures and ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single idea.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction and conclusion.
supported main points
The main points are supported with examples, even though the specificity of the examples could be improved.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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