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Band 5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others,however,say that this would have little effect on public healthand that other measure are required. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #health #sports #facilities #effect #healthand #measure
Health
 is wealth. Some
people
 believe that increasing the number of
sports
 facilities is the appropriate method to develop public well-being
while
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 say that
this
 may
causes
Change the verb form
cause
show examples
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 effect on public
health
 and there are other methods
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 necessary.
This
 essay discusses both viewpoints and I strongly agree with the latter opinion for the following reasons. On the one hand, public
health
 will be improved by increasing the
sports
 facilities because
sports
 only can help to
being
Change the verb form
be
show examples
 fit
besides
 individuals like to
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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live in
sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle.
This
 is,
many
Correct word choice
because many
show examples
sports
 require body fitness, so
people
 have to play consistently in different
sports
, and
as a result
, their
health
 will be improved and they stay far away from any diseases.
For example
, in China, there are numerous
sports
help
Correct pronoun usage
that help
show examples
 to mankind
being
Wrong verb form
be
show examples
 fit even
their
Correct word choice
though their
show examples
 sickness ratio
also
least
Fix the agreement mistake
lower
show examples
 than other nations,
due to
 extending
sports
 amenities.
In contrast
, all
people
 cannot do
sports
 because of their body conditions, so there are other ways to improve
health
.
That is
 to say, following a proper diet, without eating too
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
show examples
processes-based
Correct your spelling
processes based
show examples
 on food items
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 to improve the
populations'
Change noun form
population's
show examples
 well-being.
For instance
, schools should check their students' lunch box whether they eat healthy meals or junk foods in order to children will start
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
proper meals
since
Change preposition
in
show examples
 childhood.
In other words
, physical exercise is the best way to improve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
health
, which is all age
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 of
people
 can do walking, running and jumping, so it will help them to
being
Change the verb form
be
show examples
 fit.
To conclude
,
although
 playing
sports
 frequently
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
assist
Correct subject-verb agreement
assists
show examples
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 staying fit, so diseases stay far away from the population, physical exercise and a proper diet
helps
Change the verb form
help
show examples
 to improve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
health
.
However
, in my opinion,
sports
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 not suitable for everyone, so physical exercise and diet
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
help to improve
health
.
Submitted by reanudeepan on

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task achievement
Your essay presents both sides of the argument, fulfilling the task requirements, but the points made could be clearer and more comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
You should focus on providing more clear and logical connections between your ideas to enhance coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Although the introduction and conclusion are present, they could be better defined and more clearly related to the main points discussed in the body of the essay.
task achievement
More specific and relevant examples could strengthen your essay and make your points more convincing.
task achievement
Try to avoid minor grammatical errors to improve the overall quality of your writing.
coherence cohesion
You have included an introduction and conclusion, giving your essay a clear structure.
task achievement
The essay effectively discusses both viewpoints as requested in the task prompt.
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