IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Money management should be taught at school. do you agree?

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It is universally acknowledged that
money
Use synonyms
 plays a crucial role in people’s prosperity. Presently, financial
management
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 is learned in the community through experience after adolescence.
However
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, it is argued that financial skills should be taught at school to equip juveniles in the global market and guarantee their future. I totally agree with
this
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 statement
due to
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 its abundant benefits.
This
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 essay will express the supportive reasons for
this
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 notion. Financial
management
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 is an important
skill
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 that should be learned
along with
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 other courses and skills.
This
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skill
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 could help minors to be skilled in saving, spending and earning
money
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 as well.
In addition
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, in recent days, stock marketing is a popular way of investing
money
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 which requires knowledge to predict the financial charts in the global market. Learning
this
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skill
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 at a young age could pave their way to be on welfare
as well as
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 studying in
Correct pronoun usage
their favorite
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favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
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 field.
For example
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, if a student who was not skilled in financial
management
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become
Correct subject-verb agreement
becomes
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 an engineer and
then
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 they suddenly bankrupt;
this
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 financial
skill
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 will play a backup role for them to reconstruct their lives. The second reason is
assisting
Change preposition
to assisting
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family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
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 through
financially educating
Replace the word
financial education
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children
Change preposition
for children
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. In the modern era, new products are daily produced, distributed and advertised which tempts people especially juveniles to purchase them purposelessly. A financially equipped person is aware of advertising traps and avoids bad financial habits.
Consequently
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, they would not waste their families’ income
for
Change preposition
on
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 useless stuff.
In other words
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, financial
management
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 would help families to save
money
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 more.
For example
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, posting different clothes and fantasy accessories would incentivize girls to spend a huge expense on them, but financial skills would help them to limit their
dedicating
Verb problem
apply
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allowance to unimportant things and focus on saving. In conclusion, schools, as an educational environment, aim to prepare pupils to enter into the real world. Financial
management
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 which is essentially an influence on the success of adults should be set in the school curriculum to prepare students to overcome financial challenges.

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task achievement
The essay presents a clear and relevant argument, but it could benefit from addressing potential counterarguments to provide a more balanced view. For example, consider briefly discussing why some might argue against teaching financial management in schools and then refuting those points.
coherence and cohesion
The flow of the essay is quite smooth, but some transitional phrases or sentences linking the paragraphs could enhance coherence. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea to maintain clarity.
general
The vocabulary and grammar used in the essay are generally strong, but there are a few instances where slight grammatical inaccuracies or awkward phrasing could be polished. For example, the phrase "to be on welfare as well as studying in favorite field" could be rephrased for clarity.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a well-defined introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame the argument effectively. The conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points and reinforces the thesis.
task achievement
The examples provided are relevant and help to illustrate the key points being made. This adds depth to the argument and makes it more convincing.
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