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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Many people argue that advancements in technology have significantly improved athletic performance and training methods. However, others believe that this reliance on technology undermines the true spirit of sports. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this viewpoint?

#people #advancements #technology #performance #methods #reliance #spirit #sports
In these decades, the development of
technology
 and science is incredibly fast and many areas including
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 are affected by
this
 advancement;
while
 many believe that
this
 action bears advantages for
sportsman
Fix the agreement mistake
sportsmen
show examples
 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
exercises, others have an opinion that the identity of
sport
 is diminished because of these advancements. I agree with the first group and both viewpoints will be argued in the following paragraphs. As
it is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
mentioned above, a group of
people
 claim that modern innovations have detrimental impacts on
true
Add an article
the true
show examples
 form of sports. In their point of
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
,
people
 are getting lazier every day and they are not keen on training as they were before;
for instance
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
artificial intelligence (AI) and its hardware picture game grounds, and
people
 can play their
favorite
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favourite
show examples
sport
 like soccer in their house by using their TVs and virtual reality (VR) glasses. In
this
 way, they do not have the same activity as they will have in a real football match.
In addition
,
people
 lose the oxygen that could be obtained
in
Change preposition
apply
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along with
 training in an open area. Others and I,
in contrast
, opine that the improvement of
technology
 is beneficial for athletes. Indeed, there are numerous inventions that analyze and check players’ health
such
 as their
heart beats
Correct your spelling
heartbeats
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 and their blood pressure
while
 they are training;
this
technology
 prevents any
hurts
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hurt
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 that they probably will face.
On the other hand
, the judgments of competitions will be fairer by using cameras and their records; as an example, referees can double check if a player tackles in an illegal way or not so they can make
right
Correct article usage
the right
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 decisions and audiences will not go wild because of the judgment mistakes. In brief, there are two viewpoints: from one perspective, the improvement of
technology
have
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has
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 beneficial effects on
trainings
Change the wording
training
pieces of training
show examples
 and
sport
Change the noun form
sports
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 games; from another, the right
sprite
Correct your spelling
spirit
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 of sports
are
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is
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 minimized by these developments. I fiercely agree with the first group and I opine that new innovations not only
benefits
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benefit
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 players in diverse ways, but
also
 competitions will be prevented from being unfair.
Submitted by shaghayegh95shadman on

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task achievement
Try to further expand on your specific examples. Providing detailed instances and explanations will give more weight to your arguments and make them clearer.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph contains a clear main idea and that all sentences within the paragraph support this main idea. This will help improve the logical flow and cohesion of your essay.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and responds to both views clearly.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized, with a clear introduction and conclusion, making the structure easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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