IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

Some are of the opinion that children below the age of 12 shouldn’t be allowed to have a mobile phone. Others believe that mobile phones are a useful tool for children of all ages. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#children #age #shouldn’t #phone #phones #tool #ages
Some opine that kids under 12 years of age should not own smartphones, others argue that it is a crucial medium for them.
Although
 restriction of cellphones can do away with the addiction that comes with them, these are extremely essential for maximizing their learning potential. Some argue that instilling a sense of competition in children helps them
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
achieve success in whatever they do.
This
 is because being competitive creates a drive to win, which teaches them that hard work and discipline are the keys to success.
For example
, it is often the case that children who participate in competitive sports are less likely to quit when things are difficult and are,
therefore
, more likely to overcome obstacles in their jobs as adults. Despite
this
, I would argue that children require lessons on teamwork more than the will to win.
Submitted by majumdarnilesh21 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Make sure to have a clear and consistent structure throughout the essay. Your introduction should clearly introduce the topic and outline both sides of the argument. The body paragraphs should then provide a balanced discussion, and a conclusion should sum up the points and present your own opinion.
task achievement
Focus on supporting your main points with relevant and specific examples. The example provided about competitive sports is good, but additional examples related to mobile phone usage would strengthen your argument.
task achievement
You demonstrate a good understanding of the topic and provide a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains some good points about the importance of competition versus teamwork.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: